(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Thank You GR8, That's just the kind of info I need in Key West.
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
A guy gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says to the guy,"Your eyes are pretty bloodshot,have you been drinking?"

The guy says no,but asks the cop,"Your eyes are pretty glazed,have you been eating donuts?"
Click to expand...


LOLOLOL I like that one!! :lol:
 
Two police paramedics jump it the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest. All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife. As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the shark's onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".
 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 
An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."
 
Hard Of Hearing


The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing, were watching golf on TV.

The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said, "In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and dancing areas."

The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"

"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.

"Oh," she said. I thought you said, '..with my next wife...'"
 
Dreadful Sermon


The minister was shaking everyone's hand while we were leaving the church. I shook his hand and said, "Reverend, that was the worst sermon I've ever listened to. It was terrible."

As the minister stood there dumbfounded, My wife stepped in, trying to help. "Please don't pay any attention to him, pastor. He only repeats what he hears others say."
 
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the girls grandmother. On their way back through the cemetery to the car the little girl asks"Mommy,do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Of course not dear,replied the mother,"Why do you ask that?"

Well mommy she says the tombstone back there said,

"Here lies a lawyer and a honest man."
 
A hunter kills a deer, and brings it home.He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.

Knowing his children are fussy eaters and won't touch it if they know its deer,he does not tell them.His son asks "whats for supper." Dad says you'll see.

They start eating supper and his daughter asks him what they're eating.

Dad says,OK heres a hint"Sometimes your mommy calls me this."

The girl screams OMG "Were eating asshole!!"
 
A wealthy man sat in his lawyers office. Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?

Give me the bad news first.

Your wife has found a picture worth a half-million dollars.

The bad news? The man asked incredulously,"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."






"The picture is of you and your mistress!"
 
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer asks her a few questions

Officer: Whats 2+2 ?

Blonde: Ummmm... 4

Officer: Whats the square root or 100 ?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10

Officer: Good! Now who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I don't know..

Officer: You go home and think about it,and come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends,who asks her if she got the job?

The blonde says, excitedly,"Not only did I get the job,I'm already working on a murder case!"
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks 'What are these dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies"These are called condoms son. Men use these to have safe sex,"

Oh I see, replied the boy pensively,"Yes I heard of that in health class at school."

He looks at the display and picks up a pack of 3 and asks,why are there 3 in this pack?

Dad says,"Those are for high school boys,1 for Friday night.1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

Cool, says the boy, then he notices a 6 pack and asks who are these for?

Those are for college men, says dad,2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night.

Wow,exclaimed the boy. Then who are these for, holding up a 12 pack, he inquires?

Dad sighs, and says these are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March......
 
:clap:........................
 
A teacher asks her class,"Anyone who thinks they're stupid please stand up."

Only little Johnny rises ti his feet.

Now then Johnny,"Why do you consider yourself to be stupid?" Enquired the teacher with a sneer.

Well,actually I don't, said little Johnny."But I hated to see you standing there all by yourself."
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me much. My farts never smell and are always silent." As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office, and without smell and sound you never knew.

The doctor says,"I see,take these pills and come back to see me in a week."

The next week the lady comes back. Doctor she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses,lets work on your hearing."
 
Comebacks to Pickup Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
 
Men Are Like...
... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
 
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