(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Geek Pickup Lines
Your Ad Here11. My startup just got funded.

10. You </me>

9. I know of a good open wifi connection around here, want the SSID?

8. Wanna play with my Wii?

7. You're so beautiful you make my heart stop, wait here while I make a
saving throw.

6. Have you ever been deep-linked?

5. I know what you're thinking and the answer is 'Yes, that is a 64-bit
driver.'

4. Would you let me poke you in the Facebook?

3. Hi, what's your gamertag?

2. MySpace or yours?

1. I could see you reading my T-shirt from the other side of the LAN party.
 
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.




What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!




What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
 
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.



Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
 
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
 
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Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.


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Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.



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Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.



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Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.



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Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.


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Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.


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Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.


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Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.


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Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


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Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?



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Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.




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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.



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Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.


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Q. What is a blonde who colored her hair brown?
A. Artifical Intelligence


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Q. Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


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Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant


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Birdhunter_007 said:
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me much. My farts never smell and are always silent." As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office, and without smell and sound you never knew.

The doctor says,"I see,take these pills and come back to see me in a week."

The next week the lady comes back. Doctor she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses,lets work on your hearing."
Click to expand...

:rofl: :rofl: :pound:
 
Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
 
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, then he decided to open her up a bit,the needle jumped to 80 mph, then he see's flashing red and blue lights behind him. Thinking "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette", he decides to punch it. He hit 90, 100, 130, and finally 150 mph, and they were still hot on his tail. Thinking what the hell am I doing, he finally pulls over.

The officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it, and the car.He says,"I've had a tough shift, and this is my last stop of the night. I really don't want anymore paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving I haven't heard before, maybe I'll let you go."

The driver says,"Last week my wife ran off with a police officer, and I thought it was you, and you were going to try to give her back to me."

The officer said to the man,"Have a Good Night."

"
 
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too far, fell in, and drowned. Stunned for awhile, but then he smiled and said,"I'll be darned, it really worked."
 
REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GET DRUNK AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps out on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satifaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. Eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have a couple of drinks in them.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
 
A guy came into a bar and said to the bartender,"Give me 6 double vodkas!"

The bartender says,"Wow, you must of had one hell of a day."

The guy says, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay." So he drinks them down and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes back to the bar and asks for another round of 6 double vodkas.

The bartender asked him what was wrong now?

The guy says, "I just found out my younger is also gay." He pounds them down and leaves.

The 3rd day comes and sure enough, the guy shows back up looking for another 6 double vodkas.

The bartender says,"Geez, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The guy says,"Yeah my wife...........
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. `What do you think you`re doing?` asks the wife. `They`re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,` he replies. `Put them back, we can`t afford them,` demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. `What do you think you`re doing?` asks the husband. `Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,` replies the wife. Her husband retorts: `So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it`s half the price.` On the PA system: `Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.`
 
Two little boys are in a hospital,lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room.

The 1st kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The 2nd kid says,"I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The 1st kid says you got nothing to worry about.I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze.

The 2nd kid then asks,"What are you in here for?"

A circumcision, the 1st kid says.

Whoa, the 2nd kid says,Good Luck buddy,"I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year afterwards!"
 
Wife vs.husband

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"





THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
 
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home,he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,"How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or
3 days?"

He replied"That would be fine with him."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.But on Thursday , the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
A guy is going fishing on a charter boat on the ocean,and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick.The doctor tells him,"Just eat 2 pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

The guy asks,"Will that keep me from getting seasick?"

The doctor says,"No, but it will look real pretty in the water!"
 
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police."What are all these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"asks the officer.

I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.

"Oh yeah"says the doubtful officer,lets see you do it. The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows to watch."Wow"said the driver to his wife."I"m glad I quit drinking.Look at the test they're giving now!"
 
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