(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,


The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
 
NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)















































Highlight to read :

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!





I worry about you
sometimes!
**********************************************************************
 
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two people, A Yale graduate and a Redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed 2 minutes to study the
word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given
was "Timbuktu"

The first to recite his poem was the Yale graduate, he stepped up to the microphone
and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu

The crowd goes crazy, no way the redneck could top that, or so they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' we went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The Redneck won hands down.
 
:clap:.........................:teeth:
 
The boss calls 4 of his employees into the office and says,"I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

The black employee says: "I'm a protected minority!"

The female employee says: "I'm a woman!"

The oldest employee says: "Fire me buster, and I'll hit you with an age descrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin!"

To which they all look at the helpless young, white male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay!"
 
Q. What do a tornado, and a redneck divorce have in common?


A. Someone is gonna lose a trailer.
 
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. `What`s with the big brass gong?` one of the friends asked. `It`s not a gong. It`s a talking clock,` the drunk slurred in response. `A talking clock? Seriously?` asked his astonished friend. `How`s it work?` `Watch,` the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, `You idiot..it`s three-fifteen in the morning!!`
 
A professor of matematics sent a fax to his wife, It read:

Dear Wife,

You must realize that you are 54 yrs. old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satify. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn by time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 yr. old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:

You too are also 54 yrs. old, and by the time you receive this, I'll be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 yr. old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 alot more than 54 goes into 18!
Don't wait up.

Your Wife
 
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab,and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring?

He replies: I have a question for you, I don't want to offend you.

She answers,"My son, you can't offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.

She responds,"Well, lets see what we can do about that. But 1st you have to be single and Catholic.

The cabbie excitedly says, I'm single and I'm Catholic.

OK, the nun says,"Pull into that alley, and lets see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.

My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?

Forgive me, but I have sinned, I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.

The nun says,"Thats OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party!"
 
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh** out of a ghost.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!:pumpkin:
 
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers, when Bubba looked up and said,"Lookey up ahead Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!!" We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers.

Don't worry, Bubba, Earl said"We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

After that then what, asked Bubba?

Just let me do the talkin'. Earl agrees.

Well, they finished their beers, peeled off the labels and put them on their foreheads, and stashed the bottles under the seats. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asks,"You boys been drinkin'?"

No sir, said Earl,"We're on the patch."
 
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmecifully. From morning till night(and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, so he tried to plow alot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately
his wife began arguing with him again. Complain, nag, nag,it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, and caught his wife smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,then nod
his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached hin, he would listen for a
minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistant, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded
his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all
the men.

The old farmer said: Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head and agree with them.

And what about the men? The minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale"
 
Breaking news

BREAKING NEWS...



Washington DC (UPI/Reuters)

October 22, 2009


A tragic fire on Saturday destroyed the personal library of President Barack Obama.




Both of his books were lost. A presidential spokesman said the President
was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
 
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."


The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.


Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.


Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.


So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.


"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.


"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.


"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.


"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.


Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:


"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." - Everyone loved it.
 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.


Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.



God Bless America!
 
Sick leave

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon..... You got nice house.'
 
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