(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A boy's first condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,
come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
 
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh,right below her bikini line, and she also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it looks real good.


The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.


As the woman gets dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?


She said,"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
 
This truck driver hauling a tractor trailer load of computers stops for a cold one.As he approaches the door, he sees a sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed Enter At Your Own Risk." He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him and says,"You smell kinda nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

He says,"I drive a truck, and the smell is from the computers I'm hauling."

Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protecter with 12 types of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun, and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

Why did you do that? Asked the truck driver.

Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now."You dont even need a licence." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The backdoor breaks open and computers spill all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming and grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,accountantsand programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal the whole load,so, he remembers what happened at the bar and pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,killing several of them on the spot.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

Whats wrong, I thought nerds were in season, asks the truch driver.

Well, yes they are says the patrolman, "But you cant bait them."
 
A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx, he then cleared his throat and asks, Um err, which one of you gentlemen owns the doberman tied up outside to the parking meter?

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hairs growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said,It's my dog, why?

Well, squeaked the little man, obviously nervous,"I believe my dog just killed your dog."

WHAT? roared the big man in disbelief. What kind of dog do you have?

Sir,answered the little man,"It's a 4 week old pup."

Bulls*@t,roared the biker,"HOW couldyour puppy kill my Doberman?



Well, sir,"It appears that he choked on it."
 
2 men are in court on drug charges, the judge says over the weekend, if you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you 2 off.

Back in court Monday, the judge asks for their results.

I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs.

Thats great, said the judge,what did you tell them?

Well, I drew 2 circles, 1 big one, 1 small one, and I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, the little was their brain after drugs.

The other defendant said thats nothing, I got 100 people to give up drugs.

100, how, asks the judge?

Well, I drew the same 2 circles, I pointed to the small circle and said,"This is your butthole before prison....."
 
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
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If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
 
An old man with bad vision sat at the end of a dimly lit bar when a hefty woman with hairy armpits and a tank top on came in and sat at the opposite end of the bar. She held her arm up high and asked, " who will buy this lady a drink?" The old man squinted with amazement and said bartender, give that ballerina a beer on me. The bar keep was a bit perplexed but gave the lady a beer. Upon finishing the suds, she again lifts her arm up high and asks , "who will buy this lady a drink?". As before the old man squinted in the dark bar and told the bartender to give that ballerina a beer on me. After doing so, the bartender asked the old man what made him think that lady was a ballerina? The fellow replied, " anyone can kick their leg up that high has to be a ballerina!!"
 
:blushing:.....I bet she had bad breath also....:rofl:
 
Why you never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb can of coffee

& 1 lb package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right! I am single, but how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
Perspective

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to the table, gave the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then said she'd see him later and walks away.



The wife glares at her husband saying, "Who the heck was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," screamed the wife, "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asked the wife.

“That's his mistress," said the husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replied.
 
A new store opened up in New York, it's the Husband Store.

A woman goes to the new store to find a sign that reads, this store has 6 floors, and you may only visit each floor once and you can't go back a floor.

The woman goes in and sees a sign

Floor #1 These men have jobs

Shes interested but moves on

Floor #2 These men have jobs, and Love kids

Nice, but she wants more

Floor #3 These men have jobs, and Love kids, and are Good Looking

Wow she says, but has to see whats next

Floor #4These men have jobs, and Love kids, are Good looking,and Help around the house

Thats great but keeps going

Floor #5 These men have jobs, and Love kids, are Good looking, help around the house,and are Very Romantic

Very tempted she moves on

Floor #6 You are the 31,456,012 visitor to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove women are impossible to please.

Thank You for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
A bum approaches a man and asks for $5

The man asks if hes going to use it to buy booze?

The bum says no.

The man then asks are you going to gamble it away?

The bum says no.

The man then asks the bum to come over to his house so he could show his wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble.
 
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders or nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at 2 spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those 2 spiders doing? She asked.

They're mating, her father replied.

What do you call the spider on top, she asked.

That's a Daddy Longlegs, her father answered.

So, the other one is the Mommy Longlegs, the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied. No dear.... Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a bit puzzled, thoughtfor a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them both flat.

Why did you do that asked her father?

The little girl said,"Well, that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that s*@t here in North Carolina!!"
 
What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
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. Outlaws are wanted!!
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving
but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned, the dark meat and white
but I fought the temptation with all my might
Tossing and turning in anticipation
the thought of a snack became infatuation
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding, and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries please
 
A farmer`s wife comes home the day before Thanksgiving only to hear strange noises coming from the kitchen. When she walks in, she was shocked to see her husband engaged in a lascivious act with a dead turkey. The exhausted farmer looks up and says "hey honey, how am I doing?" The farmer`s wife shakes her head in disappointment and says "No, no no... I told you to PLUCK the bird!"

Sorry...:tongue:
 
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