(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.The son sees his mom and asks"What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies,"Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it out."

"You're wasting your time", said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked the mother.

"Well, when you go shopping,the lady next door comes over and they go upstairs and then she gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"
 
Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on
their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian
bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking
Around , the lady asked if he
needed any help.
He said "Do you have any
Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5
loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the
time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be
hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody
knows about this $hit but
me."
 
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.


Sorry! :tongue:
 
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for DUI voilations. At closing time he saw a fellow syumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on 5 different cars before finding his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got his car started and began to drive away.


The police officer was waiting for him, he pulled him over, read him his rights, and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be? The driver replied,"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy!"
 
:rofl: I could have used that guy a few years ago :clap:
 
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch, watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbors kid carrying something big under his arm.He says,"Hey boy, whatcha got there?

The boy says,"A roll of chicken wire."

Old man asks, whatcha gonna do with that?

The boy says,"I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens in it.

The next morning, the old man is watching the sunrise and sees the boy carrying something in his hand. He says "Hey boy whatcha got there?"

The boy says,"A roll of duct tape."

Whatcha you gonna do with that? Asked the old man.

"I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape.The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled duct tape with about 35 ducks stuck to it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy carrying what looked like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. He says,"Hey boy, whatcha got there?

The boy says,"It's a pussywillow."

The old man says,"Wait up....I'm gonna get my hat."
 
An old guy wobbles into an icecream shop.

He has a real hard time walking, he is all hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, one banana split please.

The lady at the counter asks him, crushed nuts?
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The old man says no, "Arthritis"
 
Which one do you think is the blonde?



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Amazing!!!!







I didn't see it ......



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The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
 
There is NOTHING wrong with the leg she has up, IMHO
 
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
and sign up for some classes."

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and
Logic.

"Logic?" Larry says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

" Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."


Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed
up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"
Larry says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 
A drunk walks out of a bar, and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. In his stuper, he walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins to kick her and screams out,


"Your not so tough tonight are you Batman!"
 
What were Michael Jacksons final words?
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Take me to Childrens Hospital
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.



The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.



You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I`m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘"No, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."
 
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said the man, scornfully, can keep a secret.

I don't know about that,answered the blonde woman guest. I kept my age a secret since I was 21 years old.

You'll let it out some day, the man insisted.

I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever.
 
Why Some Men have Dogs and not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
Q: How come Mexico never has a good Olympic Team?





A: Because all of the mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the
United States.
 
I went into a gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas.


The clerk farted and handed me a receipt.
 
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