(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A woman is looking through the turkeys,but is finding only small ones, not big enough to feed her family. She asks the stockboy if the turkeys can get any bigger?
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. He says" NO ma'am, their dead.
 
An Avon lady was in a elevator when she suddenly had to pass gas.Not wanting to stink up the elevator she reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.


2 floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator, and he began to sniff.


The Avon lady asked," Do you smell something?"


" Why yes I do", he replied.


" What does it smell like?"


" Hmmmm, I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone crapped behind a pine tree>"
 
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
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Because the sound of a zipper scares the sheep away.
 
Earl and Bubba, two good ole' boys were in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer.

Suddenly, Bubba says, I'm gonna divorce my wife, she aint spoke to me in months.

Earl thinks about what Bubba said, spits, then takes a drink of his beer and says,

" You better think that over...... women like that are hard to find!"
 
Nurse, where are you taking me?
"To the morgue"
But, I am not dead yet!
"We're not there yet"
 
YOUR MAMAS SO STUPID

She could trip on a cordless phone

Bought a solar powered flashlight

Got stabbed in a shootout

Thought she needed a token for the Soul Train

Took the pepsi challenge and chose Jiff

Thought Fleetwood Mac was a McDonalds burger
 
It's always darkest before the dawn, So if your gonna steal your neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probaly worth it.

Never raise your hands to your children.... it leaves your groin unprotected.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
 
Top 10 Tiger Woods jokes
One:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
Three:
Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.
Four:
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing
Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron
Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Seven:
This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards
Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Nine:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though
Ten:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
 
2 men are sitting at a table in a bar.One man says to the other,"I'm 85 years old and I've never had a need for glasses."


The other man asked why not?


Becaues I always drink my liquor straight from the bottle!
 
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assasinated instead of murdered?


Why do people pay money to go up in a tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at stuff on the ground?


Why do we choose from just a few people for President and 50 for Miss America?
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assasinated instead of murdered?


Why do people pay money to go up in a tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at stuff on the ground?


Why do we choose from just a few people for President and 50 for Miss America?
Click to expand...

these are awesome! :clap:
 
3 guys are working on a highrise building project. Steve, Bill and Charlie, when all of a sudden Steve slips and falls to his death.


As the ambulance takes the body away,"Someone should go tell Steve's wife."


Bill says, OK I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. 2 hours later he comes back carrying a 6-pack of beer.


Charlie asks,"Where did you get that?"


Bill replies,"Steves wife gave it to me."


Thats unbelievable, says Charlie, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a 6-pack of beer.


Bill says, well not exactly.When she answered the door I said to her," You must be Steve's widow."


She said," I'm not a widow"

And I said," Wanna bet a 6-pack of beer?"
 
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
 
A young attractive school teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high on the chalkboard. Suddenly she hears a giggle. She quickly turns and asks,whats so funny Pat?

Pat says,"I saw one of your garters."

Get out of my classroom she yells,"I dont want to see you for 3 days!"

The teacher turns back, realizing she forgot to title the assignment, she reaches for the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly she hears a louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns around and asks, "Whats so funny Billy?"

Billy says," I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells,"Get out of my classroom, this time the punishment is more severe, I dont want to see oyu for 3 weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where are you going", she asks?

Johnny replies,"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
 
There's a new drink made with Beer & Vodka, A gynecologist came up with it.
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They call it a "Pabst-Smir"
 
An old Italian Mafia Don is on his death bed, and summons his grandson to his side.Grandson, I wanna you to lissin toa me. I want you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver, so you will always have something to remember me by.

But, Grandpa, I really don't like guns, can't I just have your rolex watch instead?

Grandpa says,"You lissina to me. soma day you gonna be runna da bussinness, you gonna hava a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigga home,and maybe a couple of bambinos."

Then soma day ya gonna come home,and maybe finda your wife ina bed with another man. What do you do then? Point to your watch and say "TIMES UP?"
 
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