(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier disscussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard full of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,"Relatives of yours?"

Yup, the husband replied,"In-Laws!"
 
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50TH weddind anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celabrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies , NO, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun, and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man.
 
BOUDREAUX GOES TO COURT

In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident,
caused by an 18-wheeler that ran a stop sign.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Boudreaux:
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine?" the lawyer
asked.

Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.

"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, I'm fine?"

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving
down da road . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State
Policeman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie.."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie,
my
favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when
dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck
right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into da udder... I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at
tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she
was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after da accident, a State Policeman, he came on da scene. He
herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he
took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da
eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"
 
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
pet. After some discussion he finally bought a
centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little
white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the
box, and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
bout the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place
and have a drink with me?


Scroll Down













Suddenly a small voice came from within....."I heard you
the first time - I'm putting my frickin' shoes on."
 
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.

While reading him his Mirandas Rights, the female officer tells the man,"Sir you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you......

At that point the drunk yells out, "YOUR BOOBS!"
 
You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart BAD. The music is really loud, so you decide to time your farts with the heavy beat. You let rip about 5 to 7 STRONG and LOUD one's back to back and then one every few minutes in time to the music. After a few songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you get up to leave, you realize everybody else on the bus is staring at you and that's when you remember.....

You've been listening to your iPod.
 
ATLANTA AIRPORT -You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in
the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners
can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."



Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...







Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE..
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful
now and tell Allah "hey" for us --"
 
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini.Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put in a glass jar.Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After a couple of hours he was full of martinis and the jar full of olives.

Well, said a customer,"I 've never seen anything as peculiar as that."

What's so pecuilar about it, the bartender said."His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
 
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Cessnas, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam,
747s for Northwest, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to thousands, so I guess I'm a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
 
A recent study shows that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study shows that the average American drinks an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Americans get 41 MPG


Not too bad.....


Stole this one from Apple :)
 
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A young boy was talking to God and decided to ask a few questions.

"God, how long is a million years to you?"

God responded, "My young lad, it's only just a second to me. I am not confined to time as you are."

"Wow God, that's so cool! So how much is a million dollars to you?"

God answered, "My son, I own everything in the whole world. A million dollars is nothing more than a penny to me."

"Wow God, you much be rich! Can I have a million dollars then?"

God replied, "Sure son, in just a second."
 
When God was passing out noses I though He said roses so I asked for a big red one.
 
A weathly man married a woman with very poor color preferences. Her favortie color was puke green. For the most part the man didn't mind, so when she hired a painter to paint their front porch puke green, he decided to let her continue.

The painter arrived at the house. The couple showed him the paint buckets, and decided to take a walk to avoid the paint fumes.

When they arrived back, the porch was still unpainted, and the painter sat reclining. The wealthy man questioned the painter, asking what the delay was. The painter looked confused and replied that his job was complete. The man pointed at the porch and sacastically asked the painter where the paint was. The painter replied, "Oh, I thought you said Porsche!"
 
BUMPER STICKERS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

Everyone has a photographic memory.... Some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Try not to let your mind wander....It's way too small to be out there all alone.

I used to have a handle on life.... But the handle broke off.

If you can read this.... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Welcome to America....Now Speak English
 
HOW 'BOUT A FEW MORE

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.... accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate one can die.

Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive.

If a deaf-mute kid swears.... Does his mom wash his hands with soap.

I used to eat alot of natural foods...Until I laerned most people died of natural causes.

Whenever I get blue.... I let my breath back out and start to breath.
 
THE
> > HAPPY WOMAN
> >
> > A woman in her fifties is at
> > home,
> > unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and
> > squealing with delight.
> >
> >
> > Her husband watches her for
> > a while and
> > asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous
> > you look...? What's the
> > matter with you...?'
> >
> > The woman continues to
> > bounce on
> > the bed and says, 'I don't care what you
> > think. I just came from
> > having a mammogram and the doctor says that not
> > only am I healthy, but
> > I have the breasts of an 18
> > year-old.
> >
> > The
> > husband replies, 'What
> > did he say about your 55-year old
> > ass?'
> >
> > 'Your name never came
> > up,' she
> >
> > replied!!!
 
Sorry in advance....:lol:
Don't Mess With Mother Nature

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob took his grandson, Johnny, out to play a round of golf. Near the end of the day, both being tired, they each started off from the tee by hitting their balls into the rough. Bob walked down to his ball, it was in the midst of a patch of buttercups. He started swinging, and the buttercups went flying.

All of a sudden there was a big puff of smoke, and when it had disapated there was a little old lady standing there. "I'm Mother Nature", she said, "and I'm very upset about what you did to these little buttercups! Do you know how long it takes to get a patch of buttercups like this started?"

Bob nodded, although he really didn't know..

"Well, for your punishment I'm going to deny you any butter on your popcorn for the rest of your life." Then, after thinking it over, she said, "More than that, I'm going to deny you any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!"
Obviously getting even more angry she said "I think it might just suit you well not to have any butter for any purpose for the rest of your life!" Then she disappeared in a flash.

For awhile Bob was speechless, then he wondered how Johnny was doing. "Hey Johnny", he yelled, "did you find your ball?"

"Yes, Grandpa", Johnny replied, "I'm over here in a patch of pussy willows."

"Don't swing!", yelled Bob, "Don't swing!"
 
Tiger's golf game is going downhill quick.......













He seems to have lost control of his wood!!
 
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