(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

*You know the economy is bad when.......

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is worse than divorce. I lost half my money and still have the wife.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.*
 
how many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 
Good one, Dan! I'm cracking up over here.
I can safely say that I do not fall into any of those categories. :suspicious:
 
Actually I thought of you (and your signature) when I got to the very last line.
You're not a lurker (most of the time), but you do dredge up the past.
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn`t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I`d ever had a Sportsman`s Double. "What`s that?" I asked. "It`s a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No." We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I went back to her place. We walked in and she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake"?
 
DanC said:
*You know the economy is bad when.......

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Click to expand...

LOL! :clap:
 
A frightened man dialed 911 to report an asssault.The caller said,"I was going around to the back door,when I was struck in the head.Luckily I was able to get into the house and lock the door,Please send help right away."

After advising him to stay calm...the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a 1/2 hour later, the rookie returned to the station, and is sporting a large bump on his head.

What happened to you?Asked the chief..Did you find the perp?

Yes, I did,and it was easy,chief replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head....

I stepped on the rake also..........
 
The Reverend Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative effect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem. “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines. Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community..”
 
A womam walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsonic.

The druggist asks,"Ma'am, what do you want with arsonic?"

The lady replies,"I want to kill my husband!"

I can't sell you any arsonic for that reason, says the druggist.

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says,"Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
A womam walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsonic.

The druggist asks,"Ma'am, what do you want with arsonic?"

The lady replies,"I want to kill my husband!"

I can't sell you any arsonic for that reason, says the druggist.

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says,"Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Click to expand...

:clap::pound::rofl: good one bird!!!
 
..............................YOUR MAMAS SO FAT..............................

When she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood run behind her and yell"HEY KOOL-AID"

Even God could not lift her spirits......

She stepped into traffic and i swerved to go around her and ran out of gas....

She walked past the TV and I missed five minutes of the show....

Her picture weighs ten pounds....

She stepped on a talking scale and it said WTF....

Shes on both sides of the family......
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




I apologize.
 
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new
course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through
the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00


HAMBURGER: $2.25


CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50


HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to
the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down
behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,

"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering,
young lady,"he whispers, "Are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
Yes Sir, I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers
softly,
"Well, wash your hands real f*cking good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
 
dbee said:
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new
course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through
the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00


HAMBURGER: $2.25


CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50


HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to
the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down
behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,

"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering,
young lady,"he whispers, "Are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
Yes Sir, I sure am"
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers
softly,
"Well, wash your hands real f*cking good, cause I want a cheeseburger."
Click to expand...

:clap::rock::pound::rofl: very funny Dbee!!!
 
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, bec ause I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care bec ause the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.
 
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a really ugly guy was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

What a ripoff, the man muttered.I have to roast for all eternity,and that dude gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.

Jabbing the man in the butt with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled," Who are you to question that womans punishment?"
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.


A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: "Are - my - test - results back?
 
Cold is a relative thing. .toughness counts!

65 above zero:

Floridians turn on the heat.

People in Michigan plant gardens.



60 above zero:

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

People in Michigan sunbathe.



50 above zero:

Italian & English cars won't start.

People in Michigan drive with the windows down..



40 above zero:

Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.

People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.



35 above zero:

New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.


20 above zero:

People in Miami all die.

Michiganders close the windows.


Zero:

Californians fly away to Mexico.

People in Michigan get out their winter coats.




10 below zero:

Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.




20 below zero:

Washington DC runs out of hot air.

People in Michigan let the dogs sleep indoors.




30 below zero:

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Michiganders get upset because they can't start the Snowmobile.


40 below zero:

ALL atomic motion stops.

People in Michigan start saying...'Cold enough fer ya?'


50 below zero:

Hell freezes over.

Lions win the Super Bowl
 
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