(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. ''Will I have to go home and come back now?'' he asks. The woman says, ''Unbutton your shirt.'' He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, ''That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'' as she processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, ''You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too.''
 
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
 
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bit@h
 
birthcontrol.jpg
..........
 
POOR GUY

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and gunsand finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells the wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:"He wasn't kissing my neck. he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you.
 
REVENGE IS SWEET

There was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annonyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rether shaken man came downstairs.

"you was right all along Missus,"the old man says, : I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God , and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
 
A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"

"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"... See More

"Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died."

"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.

"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."
 
This is a true story!

Can you believe it!



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If you haven't seen this before, it's very funny :tape: a little bad language for you that prefer not to hear it :noidea:

 
Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'


:faint:
 
{LOOK AND LEARN}


A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels
to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game, he said
to his wife.

"for heavens sake, watch them," his wife said.
"you already know how to play football".
 
6 OLD LADIES OH MY!!!!

one day while going to the store I passed a nursing home
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn.

This timemy curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator,"Do you know there are six ladies lying
naked on your front lawn?"

"yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes,-they're having a yard sale."
 
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
 
dbee said:
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Click to expand...

:pound: awesome new ones :rofl::thumb:
 
I got pulled over the other day. The cop came up to my window and asked me, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"

I answered, "No officer, I thought I was driving safely."

He responded, "Sir, if you thought you were driving safely, why were you speeding?"

"Officer" I said, "I was merely trying to keep 6 car lengths between me and the Toyota behind me!"



(I thought of this joke while driving to a friend's house....)
 
This is a true story., but very funny :rofl:

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I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new
Tacoma. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense
that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke
up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership........damn guy had no sense of
humor.
 
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