(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50TH wedding anniversary.

Betty, I was wondering-have you ever cheated on me?

Oh, Jack, why would you ask such a question now, do you really want to know?

Yes, Betty, I really want to know.

Well all right, Yes 3 time.

Three, When were they?

Weel, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked.......

Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me. So, what was number two?

Well, Jack, remember when you had your heart attack and needed thet very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? And then Dr. BeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself.And your still in good shape.....

I can't believe it Betty, I love that you should do such a thing to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do that, you really must love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number three?

Well, Jack, remember a few years ago when you wanted to be president of the country club, and you were 17 votes short...........
 
If anyone needs to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the Preacher said. After hearing that, Leroy gets in line. When he arrived at the front the preacher asked "Leroy, what would you like for me to pray about?" Leroy replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher then put one finger in Leroy`s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy`s head and began to pray. After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy stoop up, shook the preacher`s hand and said "I don`t know, Reverend, it ain`t till next Wednesday!"
 
Appletinitwist said:
If anyone needs to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the Preacher said. After hearing that, Leroy gets in line. When he arrived at the front the preacher asked "Leroy, what would you like for me to pray about?" Leroy replied "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher then put one finger in Leroy`s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy`s head and began to pray. After a few minutes, the Preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy stoop up, shook the preacher`s hand and said "I don`t know, Reverend, it ain`t till next Wednesday!"
Click to expand...

guy_laughing_slapping_knee_sm_clr.gif
guy_laughing_slapping_knee_sm_clr.gif
 
A GOLF STORY.

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If anyone of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
 
Can an IRS audit be funny???

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 
A 70 year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the man returns to the doctors office and gives him the jar,and it is just as empty and clean as it was when it was given to him.

The doctor asked what happened,so the man explains.Well doctor its like this. First I tried with my right hand and nothing, then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I had my wife try with both hands and stiil nothing. We even had the neighbor try with both hands and still nothing!

No matter how hard we tried,"We just could not get the lid off that darn jar!!!"
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
A 70 year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the man returns to the doctors office and gives him the jar,and it is just as empty and clean as it was when it was given to him.

The doctor asked what happened,so the man explains.Well doctor its like this. First I tried with my right hand and nothing, then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I had my wife try with both hands and stiil nothing. We even had the neighbor try with both hands and still nothing!

No matter how hard we tried,"We just could not get the lid off that darn jar!!!"
Click to expand...

:clap::pound::rofl:Very good Bird!!!
 
Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his freakin' wife."
 
Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my a$$."
 
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....












" Your badge.. Show him your BADGE !
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the
stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes
later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the
back-seat by mistake.."
 
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No,"
the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed
in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
 
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman , "It's
not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
 
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 
HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that 11 was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin had agreed not to have any more children....

The doctortold him that there was a procedure called vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
The hillbillly said they didn'thave much money and asked if there was another, less expensive way.

A less costly alternative, 'said the doctor' is to go home, get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The hillbilly said to the doctor,

I may not be the smartest tool in the shed doctor, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it
next to my ear is going to help me....

Trust me said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
1
2
3
4
5

(you'll love this.........)

At each point , he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia........
 
rhon said:
HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that 11 was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin had agreed not to have any more children....

The doctortold him that there was a procedure called vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
The hillbillly said they didn'thave much money and asked if there was another, less expensive way.

A less costly alternative, 'said the doctor' is to go home, get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The hillbilly said to the doctor,

I may not be the smartest tool in the shed doctor, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it
next to my ear is going to help me....

Trust me said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
1
2
3
4
5

(you'll love this.........)

At each point , he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia........
Click to expand...

:clap::rofl: Good one rhon :thumb::pound:
 
Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.

"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.

"That's for knowin' the difference."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top