(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket!"
 
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned
in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit$hes would
keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 pm.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'i can't lie to you,' he replied, 'i'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

she looked down at his shoes and said: 'you lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 ont the richter scale hits Mexico

2 million mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government does'nt know where to start and how to start rebuilding so they ask for help.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army to control riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending clothes and medical supplies.

The Europeon community(except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is send them 2 million replacement mexicans.
 
Lunch with the girls!

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask… He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said… "What's for dinner, Batman
 
A lady 7 months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused, when she was on her 4TH move the man burst out laughing. She complained to the bus driver and had him arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself?

The man, said, Well your honor, it's like this:When the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,"The Gold Dust Twins are Coming" and I had to smile.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Sloans Liniment will Reduce the Swelling",and that made me grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,"Williams Big Stick did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

But....When she moved the 4TH time she sat under a sign that said,"Goodyear Rubber Could have Prevented this Accident", I had to laugh your honor.

Case dismissed, said the judge.
 
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather

and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious

to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child

screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the

cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their

respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way

around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we

won't be long -- easy, boy."


Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say

"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and

we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items

out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is

says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get

upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is

loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You

know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were

amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That

whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud

and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things

would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his

grandpa."


"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm

Albert -- the little ****head's name is Steve!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
2 old guys, one 80 yrs. old the other one 87 yrs. old,were sitting on their park bench one morning.

The 87 yr. old had just finished his morning walk and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 yr. was amazed at his friends staminia and asked him what he did to have so much energy?

The 87 yr. old said, Well I eat Italian bread everyday. It keeps your energy at a high level and you'll have great staminia with the ladies.

So, on the wat home, the 80 yr. oldstops at the bakery. As he was looking around. the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, Do you have any Italian bread??

She said, Yes, theres a whole shelf of it, would you like some?

He said, Yes, I want 5 loaves.

She said, My goodness, 5 loaves, by time you get to the 5th loaf it will be hard.

He replied, I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s**t but me!
 
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin`, chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn`t too merry, Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry. He’d been cheatin` on Elin, and the story progressed. Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story. From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin` them texts. Despite all his cryin’ and beggin` and pleadin`, Tiger’s wife went investin` -- a new home in Sweden. And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you’re gettin` laid, then I’m gettin` paid." She’s not pouting, in fact, she`s of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
 
I hear Tigers soon to be ex-wife is going into accounting after the divorce......



















Because she's going to be "accounting" alot of money when this is all over!!!
 
Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
 
A young lady stops by her grandmothers house on the way to the dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting her boyfriend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for the hospilality and especially for the peanuts.

Oh, your welcome young man, she says. I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off them....
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
A young lady stops by her grandmothers house on the way to the dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting her boyfriend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for the hospilality and especially for the peanuts.

Oh, your welcome young man, she says. I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off them....
Click to expand...

:clap: :pound::rofl:
 
A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, Listen, these two girls are coming over for the weekend, and they are very, very hot. Would you have anything to keep me going all night? Its going to be a heck of a party.

The pharmacist goes into the back room, and comes back with a dusty bottle and says,"This stuff is very potent, drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.

The weekend comes and goes and on Monday morning, the pharmacist finds the same guy waiting on the doorstep. The pharmacist says, What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend? The guy says, quick I need Blue Ice!

The pharmacist, knowing what he had been doing all weekend says, Are you crazy, you can't use that down there, the skin is wat too sensitive.

The guy says, No,no its for my arm.

The pharmacist asks, What happened?

The guy says, I drank the whole bottle.

The pharmacist says,Oh my god, what happened?

The girls never showed up!
 
TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN THE "F" WORD COULD HAVE BEEN ACCEPTABLE

What the :censored: was that? Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

Where did all the :censored:ing indians come from? Custer, 1877

How the :censored: did you work that out? Pythaguras, 126 BC

You want what on the :censored:ing ceiling? Michelangelo, 1566

Where the :censored: are we? Amelia Earhart, 1937

Scattered :censored:ing showers my butt. Noah 4314 BC

Aw c'mon, Who the :censored: is gonna find out. Bill Clinton 1999
 
A very dishveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word woman, walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow.The greeter offers her a cart and asks,"Are they twins"

The woman snarls,NO,the oldest one,he's nine,and the younger one,she's seven."Why do you think they look alike?"

No, replied the greeter,"I just can't believe YOU got laid twice!!"
 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde`s driver`s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?` she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It`s square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, `Okay, you can go. I didn`t realize you were a cop.. ..`
 
Appletinitwist said:
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde`s driver`s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like"?` she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It`s square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, `Okay, you can go. I didn`t realize you were a cop.. ..`
Click to expand...

:clap::rofl::pound: Apple you are a nutt!!!
 
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