(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."


What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
 
A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.

The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs her handbag and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
 
Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.
I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril.
The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
 
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Sir, did you know there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arghhh... and it's been driving me nuts."
 
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
 
A husband & wife are sitting in bed,watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."
The husband turned to the wife & asked "Do you want to have sex?"
"No" she answered.
He then said "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes" she replied without even looking at him.
So,he then said"Well,I'd like to phone a friend..."
And the fight started
 
A chicken and an egg lie together in bed. The chicken smokes a cigarette and smiles with satisfaction. The egg frowns and mutters, "Well, I guess we answered that question!":chicken:
 
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, ‘Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?’
The nine-year-old replies ‘N...ope, not for my mom.’
Without thinking, the cashier responded ‘Well, they must be for your sister then?’
The nine year old quipped, ‘Nope, not for my sister either.’
The cashier had now become curious ‘Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?’
The nine year old says, ‘They're for my four year old little brother.’
The cashier is surprised ‘Your four year old little brother?’
The nine year old explains: ‘Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!'
 
daisy_mae73 said:
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, ‘Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?’
The nine-year-old replies ‘N...ope, not for my mom.’
Without thinking, the cashier responded ‘Well, they must be for your sister then?’
The nine year old quipped, ‘Nope, not for my sister either.’
The cashier had now become curious ‘Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?’
The nine year old says, ‘They're for my four year old little brother.’
The cashier is surprised ‘Your four year old little brother?’
The nine year old explains: ‘Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!'
Click to expand...

That was soo cute!!!! :clap::yesnod:
 
10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
 
A man goes into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck, of course the doctor asks what happened to him.
"Well, it pretty much goes like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my dear wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Holy cow, Doris, this looks like yours!'"
 
MAKING IT STIFF!

To make it Stand,
You Wet it !

To make it Wet,
You Suck it !

To make it Stiff,
You Lick it !

To Get It In,
You Push it!


D@mn!!!!














Threading a Needle when you're AN OLD FART is a B*tch.
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''
 
Here are some X-rated riddles:

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
 
THE OLD SAILOR

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and
heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies,'Well,old sailor,you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.'
 
A guy goes to the Civil Service to apply for a job in the Dept of Agriculture.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the Public Service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Chad for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."


The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.? I'm Not looking for any special favours"

"What you have to understand is that this is a civil service job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
 
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared
student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a
question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
“Give four advantages of breast milk.”


What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
came into his head, hoping for the best:


1. No need to boil.


2. Cats can’t steal it.


3. Available whenever necessary.


Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part
answer. Again, what to write?


Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed
again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:


4. Available in attractive containers.
 
A French teacher was explaining to her college class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine “la maison.” Pencil is masculine “le crayon.”


A student asked, “What gender is computer ?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review;

4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.


The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine le computer) because:

1.. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2.. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3.. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4.. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won !!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top