(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door.

George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback.

"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively.

"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy s*e*x for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom.

She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,

"See what you get for $25?"
 
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party.

They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night.

So they went off with the opposite spouse.

When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?"

Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer.

The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?"

The martian reached up and pulled on his ears.

As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter.

The women had a grand time that night.

In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience.

The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again."

The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
 
An man is sitting at a bar and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The man explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

The man says 'Well, it says you forgotten to wear your under garments today.

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing them. So sorry for you.

The this man smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
 
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it
was your blood they found all over the crime scene

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?


Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
 
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F**k!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
 
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+,

the second a D-

and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third.

"And then we'll kick her in the n*ts!"
 
Once upon a time in a land far away,


a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will
turn back into the dapper
young prince that I am,
and then, my sweet,
we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children,
and feel forever grateful doing so.

That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauted frogs legs
seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce
she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't friggin' think so.
 
passwordsrz0.png
 
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed...

"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said,

"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sighhhh
 
The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $18,000,000 they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
 
A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for some money for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted a hundred rupee note and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on some prostitute instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you BLOODY ?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't visited any red light area in my life!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, friend! I just want her to see how a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling and has never visited a prostitute in his life!!
 
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If your're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once your're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin Bikes.
 
Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ' Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue!!!!'
 
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says,

"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top