(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Tired of a listless married life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"


She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
 
Billy’s homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don’t count your chicks before they are hatched.’’

Billy is last to speak. He says, ‘’My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.’’

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don’t f**k with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.’’
 
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey, ' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh, that's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said , 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'
 
:clap: Daisy you seem to be on a roll :bounce:

:teeth: Good ones!
 
A fellow dies, goes to hell,

and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes

and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell,

and what was so bad about the place.

"Well," said the demon,

"the kegs all have holes in the bottoms,

and the blondes don't!"
 
One day, my husband was at home, but I was working late. My father in law was at my house too. My husband always likes it when I make love to him in the dark, so after I got home I went upstairs and made love to him in the dark. Then I went downstairs and my husband was sittin on the couch. I said, "How'd you get down here before me?" He said "Shhh! My dad is upstairs sleeping in our bed. "
 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end
of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
 
A rather well proportioned young lady,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.

"You're lying on the dining room skylight."
 
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
 
A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.

The woman says to her husband,
“Let’s make love right here”.

The husband says,
“Are you crazy?
People will hear and see us”.

“But everybody is asleep”,
claims the wife,
“I will prove it to you.
I will ask for water
and you’ll see that nobody answers me
and nobody even hears what I’m saying”.

So the woman says in a very low voice,
“Can I have some water please?”

But no one answers.
So the husband starts having sex with her.

Later, after the plane lands,


a young girl runs to the steward and says,
“Quick, give me water.
I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours”

The steward gives her water and asks her,
“Why didn’t you ask for water during the flight?”

The girl says,
“No way,
a woman two rows in front of me
asked for water
& you won’t believe what they did to her!”
 
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

"Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He’s on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says

"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,

but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,

calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

"Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave."
 
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision.
When he comes to after the procedure,
he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,”
admits the surgeon.
“I’m afraid there was an accident,
and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“Whaaaat!”
gasps the patient.
“You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,”
the surgeon reassures him.

“Just that it wont be yours.”
 
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi...............
 
A professor at University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied,

'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class....
 
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
 
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.

"What the h@ll do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
 
Jon was looking for a little "action".

He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
 
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