(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

How to call the Police - True Story

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific G-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had Forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she Stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby Doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock....
 
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
 
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
 
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
 
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Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
 
A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeper cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

Around 1:00 AM, the man leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet next to you and get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" replies the excited man.

The woman says "then getup and get the d@mn blanket yourself."
 
Friend 1: Hey, i got married.

Friend 2: Oh, that is good!

Friend 1: No, that is bad; she is ugly.

Friend 2: Oh, that is bad!

Friend 1: No, that is good; she is rich.

Friend 2: Oh, that is good.

Friend 1: No, that is bad; she wont give me a dime.

Friend 2: Oh, that is bad.

Friend 1: No that is good; she bought me a big home.

Friend 2: Oh, that is good.

Friend 1: No, that is bad; the house burnt down.

Friend 2: Oh, that is bad.

Friend 1: No, that is good: She was in it ....

Friend 2: ? ? ?
 
A little boy and a little girl are playing in a park.

And just like a lot of little kids they get curious of what their sex organ is for.

They start running around the park without any clothes on.

When they come across each other, they look at each other and never have seen the other sex's organ.

The girl points to the little boys penis and says, "What is that?".

The boy says,"I don't know."

The boy points to the girls vagina and asks the same thing.

She doesn't know neither.

So they both go home and ask there parents.

The boy asks his dad what it is.

His dad tells him that it is his car, and that he can park the car wherever he wants.

The girl goes and asks her mom what it is.

Her mom tells her that it is her own garage.

You keep it closed and never let anyone in.

The next day the boy and girl meet in the park again.

The girl says that this is my garage and nobody is allowed in it.

The boy says this is his car and he can park it wherever he wants, even in her garage.

The girl then says that my mom told me if anyone tries to park their car in my garage

that I should rip off their rear tires.
 
Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.


32770895909850656e41rb8.jpg



Employer's response:

Dear Bryan ,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.
 
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided it him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it." he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, he turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
 
My boss's wife, Sherry, was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called her for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" she asked. "My brakes went out," her sister said. "Can you come and get me?"

"Where are you ?" Sherry asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," her sister responded.

"And where's the car?"

"In here with me."
 
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there ' s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,

19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ' If you can catch me, you can have me. '

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day ther ' s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,

sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a

sign around her neck that reads, ' If you catch me you can have me ' .

Well, he ' s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,

but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another

20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

' Are you sure? ' asks the representative on the phone.. ' This is our most rigorous program. '

' Absolutely, ' he replies, ' I haven ' t felt this good in years. '

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy

standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ' If I catch you, you ' re mine. '

He lost 63 pounds that week
 
If you think life is bad now,

how would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys,

but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!
 
A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Maria said, “My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word “fascinate.`”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.”

Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Mario said, “My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “you just happened to catch my eye.”
 
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