(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
 
Bob was in big trouble, he had forgotten his wedding anniversary, and his wife was really pissed.

She told him,"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
0 to 200 in 6 seconds! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!

The next morning he got up early and left for work.When his wife woke up, she looked
out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,and brought the box back
into the house.

She opened the box to find a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 
Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his peni$ over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
:rofl:.....howcome with you, dbee, it's always about penises? :pound:
 
gr8nrg said:
:rofl:.....howcome with you, dbee, it's always about penises? :pound:
Click to expand...


:noidea: I guess it's just the emails that people send me :loco:

:bawling:I'm so ashamed :blushing:
 
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm, then she remembered what her dad had once told her."If you ever get stuck in a snow storm,wait for a snow plow and follow
it.

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the snow
plow for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truckgot out and asked her what she was doing? She explained
that har dad had told her if she got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said,"Well, I'm all done here at Wal-Mart, if you like you can follow me down to K-Mart.
 
Hung Chow calls in sick to work and says,"Hey boss I not come to work today,I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work.

The boss says,"You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today. When I feel like
that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex, make everything better, and then I
go to work. You try.

2 hours later Hung Chow calls again,"Boss I do what you say and I feel great, I be at
work soon.Allso you have nice house!
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.

So the bartender pours the guy 12 shots, and the guy starts pounding them one
after the other.The bartender says, boy you sure are drinking those really fast.

Well,says the guy,you be drinking them fast if you had what I have.

The bartender asks,"What do you got?"

The guy says,"75 cents"
 
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right
foot as they walk. As they met, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to
his foot and says,"Vietnam, 1969."

The other guy points his thumb behind him and says,"Dog crap, 20 feet back!"
 
A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car, glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,"PULL-OVER!"

NO the blonde yelled back,"SCARF"
 
Birdhunter_007 said:
A highway patrolman pulled along side a speeding car, glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,"PULL-OVER!"

NO the blonde yelled back,"SCARF"
Click to expand...
:rofl: :lol:
 
A loud pounding on the door at 3AM in the morning wakes up a man and his wife. The
man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring
rain asking for a push.

Not a chance, says the man, its 3 in the morning,and he slams the door in his face and returns to bed.

Who was that? Asks his wife.

Just some drunk looking for a push, he answers.

Did you help him, she asks.

No, I didn't he replies,its 3 in the morning and its raining!

She reminds him about the time 2 men helped them push their car and orders him to go
help him.

The husband get dressed, goes downstairs and out into the pouring rain.

Are you there, he shouts out into the darkness and rain.Do you still need that push.

Yes, the man answers back.

Where are you, shouts the husband.

I'm over here on the swing, replies the drunk.
 
Hi, dbee. Will you please email me that video below. That was funny. :lol:
And Bird, I liked your joke too! :silly:
 
Appletinitwist said:
Hi, dbee. Will you please email me that video below. That was funny. :lol:
And Bird, I liked your joke too! :silly:
Click to expand...


:wink: Are you saying that because I already emailed it to you? :teeth:
 
There were 3 couples, one elderly, one middle aged and one newlywed, they wanted to join a church.So the minister tells them that in order to be members, they must abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The minister asked the elderly couple if they had abstained.

Yes, no problem they replied.

So the minister welcomes them into the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

Well, after 1 week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it.So the minister welcomes them into the church. Then the minister asks the newlyweds if they abstained from sex for 2 weeks.

We were unable to abstain. On the 3rd day my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me.

I'm sorry, the minister says, but you are both banned from this church.

Thats okay, says the husband,"We were banned from Wal-Mart too."
 
A man is dating 3 women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a gift of $10,000, and waits to see what they do with the money.

The 1st does a complete makeover. She goes to a fancy salon, gets her hair done, new
makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nice for the man. She tells him that she does this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The 2nd goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him she spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again the man is impressed.

The 3rd invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the money, she gives back his $10,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She says she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men Are Men
 
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