(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered
from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and
lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to
watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur
to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody
 
Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

At last, a smart blonde joke!
 
POLITICS From two words-"Poly" meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking leaches"

Why do they bury politicians 16 feet under ground?
Because they're all nice people deep down.

..i know they're groaners, but I can so rarely remember a joke to re-tell it!
 
So why did the chicken cross the playground? :hmmmm2:




To get to the other slide....:p
 
Hillary, Biden, Pelosi and Obama were in a boat, going down the river.


The river rapids were extremely rough.


The boat capsized.


Who was saved?



























































America.
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
> cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
>
> He replies:
> I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
>
> She answers,
> My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
> and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could
> say or ask that I would find offensive.
>
> Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
>
> She responds,
> Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
> to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says,
> Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
>
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
> make a hooker blush.
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?
>
> Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
> I'm married and I'm Jewish.
>
> The nun says, 'That's OK.
> My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
>
> HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
 
Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before add ing new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and we nt on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken
__________________
 
The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'





He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a s***-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care – we came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would
find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries
to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great... that's just great...
Some a**hole's got my pen
 
There really aren't jokes, they're way too true.

'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'-- Mark Twain


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But, then I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain


I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill


A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw



Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)



Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian



Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -Frederic Bastiat, Economist (1801-1850)


Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan ( 1986)


I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers



If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke



In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)


Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)


No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866)


Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown



The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain



There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain



What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)



A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
 
>>In the face of ignorance, even the gods are helpless.

Is that an example of oxymoron ?
 
It's a saying of a friend of mine, he picked it up from one of his college profs.

I never thought of it as an oxymoron, just as a truism for those of us who have to deal with people who are ignorant and are happy being so.

By the way, that was NOT a political statement.
 
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