(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

NAGGING WIFE





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day

trying to get a stay of execution for a client who

was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor

had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door

at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?'


'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this

familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long

hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the

predictable sarcastic remarks

as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her

husband's client, James Wright,

had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,

she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband,

bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Why do midgets laugh when they run???


=> Because the grass tickles their balls. :evil:
 
dbee said:
NAGGING WIFE





An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day

trying to get a stay of execution for a client who

was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor

had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door

at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?'


'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this

familiar ritual, he went and poured himself

a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long

hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the

predictable sarcastic remarks

as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her

husband's client, James Wright,

had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,

she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door,

she was greeted by the sight of her husband,

bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Click to expand...

LOL

LOL

..
 
diGriz said:
Why do midgets laugh when they run???


=> Because the grass tickles their balls. :evil:
Click to expand...

:sus: ok I know I'll regret asking but why do they laugh?

nevermind lol when its highlighted in blue I can see the answer
 
Guy wakes up, and as he's getting dressed, his shoe lace snaps.

As he leaves for work, his door knob breaks off.

When he gets to work, the handle on his briefcase breaks off.

He's telling this to a friend, and the friends asks " So, you're having a bad day, whats the big deal?"
The guy who keeps breaking handles, knobs, etc, answers " Nothing really, I'm just afraid to go pee". :worry:

:tongue:
 
Top Ten C&W Songs


10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A*s All Day
 
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, astonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
 
DanC, I could see that one coming! :rofl:
 
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun..."
 
Insurance

Ted wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head
to
foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've
regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't
remember, but you were in a pile-up on the
freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, except for one thing. I'll try to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped
off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

Ted groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000
in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have
the technology now to build you a new willy that will
work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an
inch."

Ted perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide
how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife and. I mean, if you had a five
inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
nine inch one before, and you decide to only invest in
a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So
it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."

Ted agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes
back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your
wife?"

"I have," says Ted.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says Ted.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."
 
why? why? why?

Why, Why, Why


do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......



The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Click to expand...

I tell my kids the same thing! "It's the same from when you were in there fifteen minutes ago." LOL LOL
 
A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a
frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be
the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the
richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is
his and what's his is mine.'


So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess
with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the
joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers : Please scroll down.



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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but
think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy
the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this;
it only goes to show that women never listen...


now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.:mmph:
 
Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'

:p
 
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'
 
An old country preacher had a teenage son, who needed to consider choosing a profession for life.


Although he didn't have a clue what he wanted to do for his lifetime career, he wasn't at all concerned about it.


One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room & placed on his study table four objects.


1. Bible.
2. silver dollar.
3. bottle of whisky.
4. Playboy magazine.


'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself.'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible; he's going to be a preacher like me, & what a blessing that'd be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, & that'd be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, & Lord, what a shame that'd be; but worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'


The old man waited anxiously, & soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling & heading for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, & as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.


Finally, he picked up the Bible & placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar dropping it into his pocket; - uncorked the bottle, taking a big swig, while he admired this month's centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. ' He's gonna run for Congress."
 
This one's for Preco

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third shop everything had just been reduced to five dollars when her cell phone rang.


It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had been in a terrible accident, was in critical condition, and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.


As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best shopping day ever.


She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital and ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of coffee cake, compliments of the last shop.


She was jubilant......then remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital where she saw the doctor in charge and she asked about her husband's condition.


The doctor, a woman, glared at her and shouted, "You finished your shopping trip .....didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!


While you spent the past hours enjoying yourself, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!


But let me tell you........it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take because for the rest of his life he will require round the clock care.


And you'll be his care giver!


The woman, bowed down by guilt and shock, broke into loud sobs.


Patting her on the shoulder the lady doctor chuckled and said,


"I'm just pulling your leg....he's dead......what did you buy?"
 
After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea replies she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary then asks, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."
 
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