(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A young man was staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on?" inquired a passing cop. "They stole my car!"
said the man. "Where did you last see it?" "On the end of this key!"
The cop looked him over and said, "Are you aware, sir, that your
privates are hanging out of your trousers?" "Holy Crap!" exclaimed
the man. "They got my girlfriend too!":eek:
 
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vinnie, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vinnie,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
 
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head."
 
:preggers:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
..."CASE DISMISSED!"
 
My all time favorite joke:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show squirrels it can be done!
 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"
 
Animal Diaries

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength.


The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt

to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a

mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this

would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my

capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about

what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of

assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary

confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the

noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to

the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use

it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the

other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special

privileges. She is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing

to return. She is obviously retarded.


The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards

regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have

arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now....

_
 
(sorry Butty)

Women's Butt Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their butts.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their butt is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their butt is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love
him; he's a good man, and they would have married
him anyway.
 
This goes nicely after JerryP's

I was walking down the street one day, when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend any money and my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
 
A man was praying to god. He said, ' God ?' God responded, ' Yes ?' And the Guy said, ' Can I ask a question ?' 'Go right ahead', God said. 'God, what is a million years to you?' God said, 'A million years to me is only a second.' The man wondered. Then he asked, 'God, what is a million dollars worth to you?' God said, 'A million dollars to me is a penny.' So the man said, ' God can I have a penny ?' And God cheerfully said, ' Sure!.......Just A Second
 
A small zoo in TEXAS obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500."
 
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door.":05:

:ignore:
 
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

"Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"


She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
 
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." :p
 
Redneck vasectomy!

An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision after nine children.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance cause neither of them could speak Spanish.
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>surrogatefather to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
>arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The
>man shouldbe here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a
>door-to-door baby photographerhappened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make
>a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no
>need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've beenexpecting you."
>"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
>knowbabies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had
>hoped. Please come in and have aseat". After a moment she asked,
>blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually
>try two in the bathtub, one on thecouch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed.
>And sometimes the living room flooris fun. You can really spread out
>there."
>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
>andme!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every
>time. But if wetry several different positions and I shoot from six or
>seven
>angles, I'msure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a
>lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take
>his time. I'd love to be Inand out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
>disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
>hisbaby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh,
>my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins
>turned out exceptionally well - when you consider theirmother was
so
>difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>jobdone right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
>goodlook" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
>amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three
>hours, too. Themother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>concentrate,and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
>when thesquirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all
>in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
>your,uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're
>ready, I'll set-up my tripod andwe can get to work right away."
>"Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
>Canon on. It's much toobig to be held in the hand very
long."
 
Dedicated to Kbabe!

Over 60 Q's and A's

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these".
 
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