(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell who it was.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00.

But the Duck Call is $11.00 and theCatfish Bait is $3.50."
 
This one is gross and dirty.

My brother text me w/ this one while I was in class.




Do you know why the Scottish wear kilts?


Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

:rofl:
 
*side note.....I caught myself from doing that. Although my instructor would have got a kick out of the joke*
 
So instead you were LOTI.

(Laughing on the inside) wow. What a lame attemt at a joke.
 
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
 
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says.

"But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
 
A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really
well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage
in passionate lovemaking. The woman suddenly turns up her ear and
says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the
bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I
heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get
ready to receive you." "Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a
naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?"
the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called
me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband
exclaims, "But you're naked!" The man then looks down and jumps
back in surprise. "Those little bast**ds!"
 
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like
some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the
container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the
blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container
and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed,
the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
:o
 
Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer.

Suddenly Bubba says,

“I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits, takes a drink of his beer and says,

“You better think it over…women like that are hard to find.”
 
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation."Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
 
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.

The boy is holding a nickel.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied.

"Divorce attorney".
 
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." :clown:
 
A little farm boy is awaken by his mother one Saturday morning for chores. Still feeling grumpy about being awoken on a Saturday morning, he kicks a chicken on his way down the stairs. His mother tells him "No eggs for you today, that is your punishment for kicking the chicken" Which then makes the little boy grumpier and he kicks a pig on his way to the kitchen. His mother tells him "No bacon for you today either, that is your punishment for kicking the pig." By this time, the little boy is grumpier than before and kicks a cow on his way out the door. His mother tells him "No milk for you today as well, that is your punishment for kicking the cow." As he walks past his father, who was rushing in, the little boy sees the cat cross his father's path and sees father kick the cat. The little boy looks at his mother and says, "Should I tell him the bad news, or will you?!"
 
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where
he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).
It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that
Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this,
the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits,
and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now,"
he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to
send into battle first?" ":eek:
 
You know you're getting old when.....

15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

:doh:
 
precocious said:
You know you're getting old when.....

15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

:doh:
Click to expand...

ain't that the truth!
 
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