(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Tony just finished his training session at the local McDonald's.So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake."Tony," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Tony at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"Tony took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said,
"Would you like that for here or to go?"
 
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.""It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."" She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, ""I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."" The man behind the counter tells her, ""Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.""She thinks about it for a moment and
decides. ""I'd like to send one word, please.""""And what word would that be?
Inquires the man.""Comfortable."" Replies the brunette.The man asks,
""I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?""The brunette replies, ""My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will read it like: COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
 
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
 
There was a swim meet with a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.They were swimming breaststroke in their competition.The redhead came in first but was neck to neck with the brunette the whole race.The brunette came in second and the blonde came in last but when she got out of the pool she said:"No fair! You guys used your arms!"
 
A drunken old guy stumbles into the front door of a bar, walks
up to the bartender and says, "Give me a shot of tequila, damn."
The bartender looks at him and tells him that he has had enough.
So the old guy curses the bartender out and walks out the front
door. A few minutes later, the same guy comes in through the side
door and stumbles up to the bar and demands a shot of tequila.
The bartender looks at him in disbelief and refuses to serve him
again. The old guy curses him out again and storms out. A few
minutes later, the same old guy stumbles in through the back
door and before he could say a word, the bartender says, "Listen,
I told you already twice that I'm not going to serve you, so get out
of my bar, you drunken bastard." The old guy looks at the
bartender and says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at?"
:sus:
 
20 Ways to tell a guy his fly is open.


20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
 
I hope your computer never catch these viruses

The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did !

The Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
 
This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit somemore. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, thewashing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they
all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with
them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"She smiled. "What do I
look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
 
Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?" The woman said, "NO!" And the man lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
 
This works for me!

Good Exercise for Older People

Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass
it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a
week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.:rofl: :claps:
 
A man and his wife were getting ready for bed,when they decided to get frisky and have fun.While they were in bed,the phone rang.The woman picks up the phone and was listening to the caller on the other end,when she suddenly says"How the hell should I know?" and she slammed down the phone.
The husband asks "What was that all about,honey?"
The lady said "There was a woman on the other end asking me if the coast was clear.":doh: :rofl:
 
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home. She read ..

"and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of
factly..."I think the man would have said -"Well, f * ck me!! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
 
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."
 
THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do

to make their days interesting. Thought you'd like to read

what happened to me.



I went to the store the other day.

I was only in there for about five minutes.

When I came out, there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said:

"Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi.



He glared at me and started writing another ticket, for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse manure.



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



I didn't give a hoot. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
 
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
 
Missing Husband

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds ! AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Dave got up early and left for golf. When his wife
woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift
- wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing since Friday.
 
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