(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

WINTER BLONDE!!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.


When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Utah and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 
So I says to my sea sick friend.....

Ralph......
 
So I says to my friend( an Estate attorney)

Will .
 
So I says to my friend the quadrapalegic swim instructor:

Bob .


Yes, I'm going to hell for that:worry:
 
So i says to my friend (a wrestler)

Matt...............:doh:
 
I thought Matt was a quadrapalegic doorman.
 
Redneck pick up lines

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until
the afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up.
 
Bedroom Golf Rules.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
A Case For Drinking More Beer
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much
the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
 
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on he seat beside him. The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!" The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour." Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor?
 
Redhead and the Doctor
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the
doctor "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams
in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise
she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,
are you?" "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so,
" the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
 
Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:
1: Gained weight.
2: Talked excessively without making sense.
3: Became emotional.
4: Called home just to see if anyone called.
5: Couldn't drive.
6: Went to the bathroom in groups.
7: Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.

No further testing is planned.
 
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

This is priceless! (and was actually reported by a teacher).



After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their

holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They

used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they

moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted

green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear

nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a

building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed

because it is okay now, and! do exercises there, but they don't do them

very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with

hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man

sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape!

Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing

every night. Early Birds. Some of the people can't get out past the

man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the

wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa

worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard

so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to

be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can

visit their grandchildren.:05:
 
Turn Signals
A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night
for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his turn
signal light inside the car didn't light up at all. So as he approached
the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head
out the window and tell him if his turn signal is working. She happily
obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and
replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."":p
 
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".


He never heard the shot............
 
precocious said:
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".


He never heard the shot............
Click to expand...

Someone explain to me how that was HIS fault! :mad:
 
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