(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

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A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so
much like my late son." He asnwered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had
brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies
 
Daredeveil! I resemble....resent that remark!!! :eek:
 
Got you back!!;)...and looks like You have a spelling problem too!
"Daredeveil"???
 
man's wish!!!

This is very funny (for women anyways) I think everyone will get a laugh. Everyone needs something to put a smile on their at least once a day!!
Heather



>Subject: FW: Man's wish!!
>
>
>
>Man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
>Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
>merely stays at home.
>I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
>God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
>He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
>Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
>
>Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it
>to the cleaners
>And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
>Then drove home to put away the groceries,
>Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
>He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
>Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
>Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
>homework,
>Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>
>At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
>Voted Women's Favourite Email of the Year!!! LOL LOL
 
pretty stupid but it's a joke

my step father told me this last night

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?


because if it have 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan:confused: :eek:
 
ok i am going to bed now since i have been reading all of these very funny jokes since 11:30 pm and now its 1:43am thank you so much for all the laughs you are all very funny!!!! i almost wet myself a few times!!! j/k!!!
:claps: :claps: :claps: :claps: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL (:30: what my eyes are feeling after reading all of these) good night to all!!!
 
daredevil said:
Got you back!!;)...and looks like You have a spelling problem too!
"Daredeveil"???
Click to expand...
Well you know the fingers are getting nimble, the eyesight is going and the Alzheimer's doesn't help for the spell check. But I have gutters and shoes ;)
 
PMS in the Bible

PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and
that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the
woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.":p
 
Divorced Barbie

Divorce Barbie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

one day a father leaves work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
"How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

the salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers,
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends."
 
Two gay guys are on a date and evrything goes well. Romantic candles, red wine, the whole shabang. As the mood sets in, they are trying to decide who is going to give and who's going to recieve during the sex that night. They can't seem to agree because both want to give....So, then one guy comes up with an idea. "Let's play hide and seek. You'll hide and I'll be searching for you. If I find you, you'll be on the receiving end tonight", he suggested. The other one replies in a hurry, "Sure thing!", then winks and whispers, "just so you know, I'll be hiding behind the piano" LOL
 
Some men never learn!!!

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.



His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway



that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and



found a brand new bathroom scale.



Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of the injuries...

LOL LOL
 
Why we split up.



She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.



Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how
come I had to give up stuff and not her.



She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.



I told her that was what the beer was for.



I don't think she's coming back :(
 
WHY GOD MADE MOMS

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary
school age children to
the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape
is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then
they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other
Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that
other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married
him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to
drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And
my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the
real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at
your friend's.
Moms
have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid
of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on her back.
 
Romantic Joe
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for
an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following
their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining
room. Another table over, Joe observed the following. A man spooned
out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of
his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said.............








































"Ham, piggy?" :eek: :34: :zip:
 
On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said:
"Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We're here to savour the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son?"

"Not really, Dad."

"No?"

"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago?"
 
Drinking on the job!
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. You know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel
and get a buzz. You want to try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!
Then the phone rings... it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says,
"No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover -nothing." "We ought to do
this more often." "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!":28:
 
The first line is what was said, the second line is the following thought!:eek:

Romantic Lines


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell":eek:
 
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