(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.. (Please Read Reply)

______________________________


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT
 
Sven and Ole

Hope this hasn't been posted before...

Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure! Ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later, Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head and laments, "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Larson hengliding
 
Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh** out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
 
If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

And why is it okay for women to mane man jokes, but when I tell a woman joke the ladies get all up in arms? Its as bad as negros and crackers.

Ahhh, I feel better now.
 
clubchick said:
Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh** out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
Click to expand...
:claps: ;) :claps:
 
LiveSquid said:
If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

Ahhh, I feel better now.
Click to expand...
Now, now Squid.......table manners need to be taught. They are not engraved in us at birth.....;)
Pick up any apples from the floor lately Squid???
You've just been climbing the wrong tree.....:rolleyes:
 
LiveSquid said:
If you feel the need to stomp the **** out of a man to make him "acceptable", then he never will be. DUH! Either you love ther person youre with because of who they are or youre an idiot who thinks you can mold people into who you want them to be before youre capable of loving them. By the gods, I feel sorry for the husband of anyone who actually believes this drivel. Who knows what kind of training and discipline he had to endure for her. Theres not a woman in the world woth changing who I am for. Only one person will tell me how to live my life, and thats me. I almost never take offense to anything, least of all jokes- expecially ones about men (whats that useless piece of skin attached to the peins?... The man!) But you know what, clubchick, this is a load of crap.

And why is it okay for women to mane man jokes, but when I tell a woman joke the ladies get all up in arms? Its as bad as negros and crackers.

Ahhh, I feel better now.
Click to expand...
wow.. didn't mean to upset you- i don't mind jokes about women or blondes or jews or pollocks-- (i happen to be all of those), just as long as it's not suggesting serious violence against someone. stomping a man into "submission" isn't supposed to be taken literally. if it truly offends you, i will remove it- i'm honestly not trying to upset anyone... i thought it was funny is all.
 
precocious said:
Now, now Squid.......table manners need to be taught. They are not engraved in us at birth.....;)

Pick up any apples from the floor lately Squid???
You've just been climbing the wrong tree.....:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I know theyre not inate. But its no ones responsibility but his. If he's not wha you want keep looking. Man are not fixer-upers. I can think of LOTS of ways women could be improved. But if shes not the one Im looking for Im not going to waste my time trying to train her. I'll just look until I find someone I dont need to train.

But as for your apple statements, what the hell does "climbing the wrong tree" even mean? And no, I havent picked ANY apples in over two years. None of them is shiny enough.

clubchick said:
wow.. didn't mean to upset you- i don't mind jokes about women or blondes or jews or pollocks-- (i happen to be all of those), just as long as it's not suggesting serious violence against someone. stomping a man into "submission" isn't supposed to be taken literally. if it truly offends you, i will remove it- i'm honestly not trying to upset anyone... i thought it was funny is all.
Click to expand...

Remove it, leave it, do what you want; I dont care. I wont be reading this thread anymore so it realy doesnt matter. Well, I'll read until I find out what the hell point prec was trying to make.
 
Last edited:
LiveSquid said:
I wont be reading this thread anymore so it realy doesnt matter. Well, I'll read until I find out what the hell point prec was trying to make.
Click to expand...

Squid, Squid you're getting all twisted. Everybody changes...change is good. As for changing the other person, well I don't think you ever really change the other person (or should). But I do think we all could use a bit of 'enhancing' every now and then.
Squid, let's say you found the almost perfect girl. She knew all your needs, was pretty, sweet but she had this habit of burpin' and fartin' and scratching her groin in public.....other than that, she's the 'love of your life', she's 'perfect'. Would you not try to 'modify' those things? Would you not want her to behave a bit more appropriately in public? What would your mother say when she met her?
Modifying or enhancing the person you love (or could potentially love) shows you care. You want them to be the best person that they can and deserve to be. Don't you want the best for the one you care for (and for them to be proud of themselves)? Don't you want and try to look or improve the way you look or act to make yourself nice for the 'other' one? That's changing.
Granted some people dictate and it gets out of hand and try to 'rebuild' them from their core...that's wrong and it can't be done. Can't teach a pig to sing, you'll only frustrate yourself and p off the pig!
Squid, you can't tell me that you wouldn't introduce fine cooking and eating to your girl and develop her 'taste' for good food.....that's change..
I got hubby to get rid of the 'pork chop' side burns years ago.....now he laughs and shakes his head when he sees old pictures.....some change is necessary.:)
As for not finding the right apple tree to climb, it'll come. You'll know it when it happens and you'll want to be a better person for her and she'll want to be better for you. When you expect the best, you usually get it. ;)
 
precocious said:
Squid, Squid you're getting all twisted. Everybody changes...change is good. As for changing the other person, well I don't think you ever really change the other person (or should). But I do think we all could use a bit of 'enhancing' every now and then.
Squid, let's say you found the almost perfect girl. She knew all your needs, was pretty, sweet but she had this habit of burpin' and fartin' and scratching her groin in public.....other than that, she's the 'love of your life', she's 'perfect'. Would you not try to 'modify' those things? Would you not want her to behave a bit more appropriately in public? What would your mother say when she met her?
Modifying or enhancing the person you love (or could potentially love) shows you care. You want them to be the best person that they can and deserve to be. Don't you want the best for the one you care for (and for them to be proud of themselves)? Don't you want and try to look or improve the way you look or act to make yourself nice for the 'other' one? That's changing.
Granted some people dictate and it gets out of hand and try to 'rebuild' them from their core...that's wrong and it can't be done. Can't teach a pig to sing, you'll only frustrate yourself and p off the pig!
Squid, you can't tell me that you wouldn't introduce fine cooking and eating to your girl and develop her 'taste' for good food.....that's change..
I got hubby to get rid of the 'pork chop' side burns years ago.....now he laughs and shakes his head when he sees old pictures.....some change is necessary.:)
As for not finding the right apple tree to climb, it'll come. You'll know it when it happens and you'll want to be a better person for her and she'll want to be better for you. When you expect the best, you usually get it. ;)
Click to expand...
Some joke thread this turned out to be........
Sorry preco but this is a load of crap, its just your opinion, and thats all
getting your hubby to shave his sideburns is not "changing" its moulding him into something YOU want him to be...and you love someone in spite of their little "faults", cause there supposed to love you for yours too...(I'm sure you could look deep down and find a couple)..you guys know i dont say much on this site, but i felt i had to side with Squid on this one..and i usually dont but i keep my keyboard mouth shut. Seems like the only women who have had bad experiences with men like the kind of jokes that really tick us nice guys off..try not to make us suffer for all YOUR bad choices...ok I'll shut up again
while you rip me a new one..... :eek:
 
You know, (Im back with my ex from santa fe) my gf does fart and burp (very well, at at hat). We're lke 12 year olds. We laugh and tease each otherabout our farts and belches. The difference is, we say excuse me. Theres nothing wrong with burping and farting in public, you just have to excuse yourself. I dont try to hange her. Thats part of who she is and I love her in spite of the fouple of idiosyncracies that irk me. I might tell her something bothers me, but I dont go molding her into some prim and proper lady. Shes as close to perfect as Ive ever found. Prec, this is the one I climbed the tree for 5 years ago.

Thanksfor the backup daredevil.
 
SharonL said:
:confused: Sorry, but I have to agree with the guys on this one. I would probably take offense if this joke was twisted around towards women and stomping the **** out of them. Besides you have to accept a person the way they are, faults and all and if they're not "aceptable" move on.

On a lighter note Happy Easter everyone! :D
Click to expand...

Exacly my point. If you have turn them into what you want them to be, theyre nto for you.

Thanks Sharon.

ps: Hey, where did your post go, Sharon?
 
Well.... I posted it and then I decided to delete it because I didnt really want to get in on the debate. I love everyone on here! But since it showed up I am glad because that's how I feel.
 
I would like to clarify that I know its just a joke. I can take the jokes. If I couldnt I wouldnt dish it out. My problem lies in the fact that this is really the way MANY MANY women treat men- like a project, or like a fixer-upper.

Ladies do you really think you were always the perfect partner? Was he? Did you not have to make compromises to make the relationship work? Did he? I fail to see the difference.

Just to clarify.

Finis
 
LiveSquid said:
I would like to clarify that I know its just a joke. I can take the jokes. If I couldnt I wouldnt dish it out. My problem lies in the fact that this is really the way MANY MANY women treat men- like a project, or like a fixer-upper.

Ladies do you really think you were always the perfect partner? Was he? Did you not have to make compromises to make the relationship work? Did he? I fail to see the difference.

Just to clarify.

Finis
Click to expand...

Squid, your real name is Finis?

















Just trying to change the subject and lighten up the mood in this thread. :o ;)
 
Now that I see the disclaimer it worked. At first I was like, no, dumbass, finis means...."

Thanks, M8
 
LiveSquid said:
You know, (Im back with my ex from santa fe) my gf does fart and burp (very well, at at hat). We're lke 12 year olds. We laugh and tease each otherabout our farts and belches. The difference is, we say excuse me. Theres nothing wrong with burping and farting in public, you just have to excuse yourself. I dont try to hange her. Thats part of who she is and I love her in spite of the fouple of idiosyncracies that irk me. I might tell her something bothers me, but I dont go molding her into some prim and proper lady. Shes as close to perfect as Ive ever found. Prec, this is the one I climbed the tree for 5 years ago.

Thanksfor the backup daredevil.
Click to expand...

Squid, if you feel that this is the girl for you, go for it. Apparently tho, from your prior thread, there was a relationship that you felt you compromised/or was asked to compromise yourself more than you we're will to. You felt you were being 'moulded'. There is a difference between 'enhancing' your mate and moulding them.
Squid, you know how I feel, I wouldn't bs you. You're a great guy, you deserve a great girl.


daredevil said:
Some joke thread this turned out to be........
Sorry preco but this is a load of crap, its just your opinion, and thats all
getting your hubby to shave his sideburns is not "changing" its moulding him into something YOU want him to be...and you love someone in spite of their little "faults", cause there supposed to love you for yours too...(I'm sure you could look deep down and find a couple)..you guys know i dont say much on this site, but i felt i had to side with Squid on this one..and i usually dont but i keep my keyboard mouth shut. Seems like the only women who have had bad experiences with men like the kind of jokes that really tick us nice guys off..try not to make us suffer for all YOUR bad choices...ok I'll shut up again
while you rip me a new one.....
Click to expand...

It apppears there's a sore spot for you here too. Apparently you consider yourself one of the 'nice guys' and I'm making you suffer because of MY bad choices. :rolleyes: There's plenty of anti-women, degrading, sexist humor to go around. If you were to laugh at anyone of them, should I then consider you a demoralizing, sexist, whatever pig? No.

Just because a joke can be 'entertaining' to some, does not mean it applies to you or them or is 'God's truth'. Usually jokes are an over exaggeration and are of a ridiculous stereo-typical nature. It's a true gift when you can laugh at yourself (and others).

As for hubby and his sideburns, I wouldn't have divorced him if he kept them. And yes, I too have been 'moulded' and don't resent it because I know it came from his heart to help Me be better and not just a 'dictation' from him or from a 'selfish' reason on his part. It was 'requested'/suggested of me for my benefit. Every relationship has compromises, if you feel you have to compromise too much, then it's not the relationship for you.
 
Disclaimer: Not meant to offend spoofer hillbillies

Hillbilly Joke

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them
new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.
 
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