(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
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Big Daddy
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A little late, but..................
THE SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
THE SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
precocious
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
DanC
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The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near.
"Yes father" said the aide. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.
The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Schumer would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Schumer commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Republicans have done on us." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Schumer's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Schumer.
The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I would like to do the same."
"Yes father" said the aide. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.
The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Schumer would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Schumer commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Republicans have done on us." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Schumer's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Schumer.
The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I would like to do the same."
precocious
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Have you guys seen the polar bear trying to get to the girl dressed like a seal? Japanese people can be crazy. Poor little.. uh, big bear, being taunted like that. At least the girl got to choose to be screwed with.
Get the girl
(the original link on YouTube froze for me, so credit to the guys at YouTube)
Get the girl
(the original link on YouTube froze for me, so credit to the guys at YouTube)
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Big Daddy
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For the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
precocious
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked
his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . Priceless
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked
his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . Priceless
precocious
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told
him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told
him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
precocious
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What's blue (or the applicable color) and sleeps 2?
patrol car....
patrol car....
cam
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precocious said:
Hey guys this really works. When I was in High School someone was in the process of stealing my truck and when my dad called 911 they said that someone would be there as soon as they could. After they told him that he told them he had a gun and was about to shoot the guy and they said not to they had gotten someone and they would be there quickly. It was bout 60 seconds after that someone showed up.
precocious
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cam said:
warning - do not escalate a 911 call. They do prosecute people who do this (i.e. say they have a gun, 'officer in trouble', etc.) It can be very dangerous for you and for the responders (or an innocent bystander). What I posted was a joke and not intended as advice of any sort to misrepresent an emergency call to gain a faster response. Please do not do that.
cam
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precocious said:
My dad did not tell the 911 operator that he was going to shoot the guy to gain a faster response. He was actually going to shoot the guy for trespassing on our property. You have the right to do that here in the state of Texas if it is dark outside (I don't know about anywhere else). In fact there are some places out here where people have signs in there yard that say No trespassing violators will be shot. I have seen them personally.
undefinedPlease heed this advice from me and precocious:
I do not advise that someone call 911 and lie to them. This may cause you or the responders to become involved in a dangerous situation.undefined
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precocious
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Here's one for Squid from a Bleeding Heart
Live Squid was washed up on a beach after a terrible
>>shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with
>>him. After looking around, he realised that they were
>>stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while,
>>he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
>>to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>>
>>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
>>beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a
>>perfect night for romance.
>>
>>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
>>better to the lonely Squid. Soon, he leaned over to the
>>sheep and put his arm around it.
>>But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
>>fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>>After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
>>sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
>>
>>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
>>shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
>>the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in
>>a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed
>>her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough,
>>he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
>>another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
>>and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
>>soon, Squid started to get "those feelings" again. He
>>fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave
>>in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
>>whispered in her ear,
>>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".
Live Squid was washed up on a beach after a terrible
>>shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with
>>him. After looking around, he realised that they were
>>stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while,
>>he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
>>to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>>
>>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
>>beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a
>>perfect night for romance.
>>
>>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
>>better to the lonely Squid. Soon, he leaned over to the
>>sheep and put his arm around it.
>>But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
>>fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>>After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
>>sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
>>
>>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
>>shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
>>the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in
>>a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed
>>her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough,
>>he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
>>another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
>>and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
>>soon, Squid started to get "those feelings" again. He
>>fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave
>>in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
>>whispered in her ear,
>>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".
I know a similar one.
A man was shipwrecked on an island. He was all alone. For days he wondered what he would do. After a while he started to settle in to his new home. A few days later he heard voices. He went to investigate. He walked over a hill and saw a flock of sheep. Then he noticed two men kneeling behind a couple of the sheep...
When he expressed his concern for this behavior, the men told him, "Wait, youll understand before too long."
The man soon grew tired of masturbation and after seeing the men go over the hill every couple of days he started to figure, What the hell.
So finally one night the got the nerve to join the men. As they went over the hill the man chose his sheep and ran for it. While he was 'enjoying himself' the other men were laughing hysterically and pointing at him. The man screams, "What the hell are you laughing at? You guys do this all the time!"
The men answer, "Yeah.. But you picked the ugly one!"
Oh, and BTW, LiveSquids dont wash up on beaches. DeadSquids do.
A man was shipwrecked on an island. He was all alone. For days he wondered what he would do. After a while he started to settle in to his new home. A few days later he heard voices. He went to investigate. He walked over a hill and saw a flock of sheep. Then he noticed two men kneeling behind a couple of the sheep...
When he expressed his concern for this behavior, the men told him, "Wait, youll understand before too long."
The man soon grew tired of masturbation and after seeing the men go over the hill every couple of days he started to figure, What the hell.
So finally one night the got the nerve to join the men. As they went over the hill the man chose his sheep and ran for it. While he was 'enjoying himself' the other men were laughing hysterically and pointing at him. The man screams, "What the hell are you laughing at? You guys do this all the time!"
The men answer, "Yeah.. But you picked the ugly one!"
Oh, and BTW, LiveSquids dont wash up on beaches. DeadSquids do.
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precocious
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LiveSquid said:I know a similar one.
A man was shipwrecked on an island. He was all alone. For days he wondered what he would do. After a while he started to settle in to his new home. A few days later he heard voices. He went to investigate. He walked over a hill and saw a flock of sheep. Then he noticed two men kneeling behind a couple of the sheep...
When he expressed his concern for this behavior, the men told him, "Wait, youll understand before too long."
The man soon grew tired of masturbation and after seeing the men go over the hill every couple of days he started to figure, What the hell.
So finally one night the got the nerve to join the men. As they went over the hill the man chose his sheep and ran for it. While he was 'enjoying himself' the other men were laughing hysterically and pointing at him. The man screams, "What the hell are you laughing at? You guys do this all the time!"
The men answer, "Yeah.. But you picked the ugly one!"
Oh, and BTW, LiveSquids dont wash up on beaches. DeadSquids do.
http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=123994&postcount=9
You must realize where this came from......
precocious
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LiveSquid said:
You never know........:theyareon
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