(NSFW) Joke thread, come and post your jokes here
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spazntwitch
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OK, that was pretty darn bad, but funny! Thanks for the laugh.
spazntwitch
It's like déj- vu again
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Q: What do you call a leper taking a bath?
A: Oatmeal.
Q: Did you hear about the fight at the leper hockey game?
A: The ref's had to stop the game because of a face-off in the corner.
A: Oatmeal.
Q: Did you hear about the fight at the leper hockey game?
A: The ref's had to stop the game because of a face-off in the corner.
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Rudy22
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Anus Laptops
also, these arent jokes, but they're quotes from one of my favorite comedians who recently passed away...
"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away..."
"I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."
-- Mitch Hedberg
also, these arent jokes, but they're quotes from one of my favorite comedians who recently passed away...
"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away..."
"I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary."
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."
-- Mitch Hedberg
Last edited:
penpen
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http://www.jokes.com/results/detail.asp?id=10258&sql=1&cat=35
Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
This one is long, however well worth reading. :tongue:
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then
one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way,
she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more
than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached
home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she
putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded her and led her to a chair at the table. She seated herself and
just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone
rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had
consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the
opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air
around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears
tuned to the conversation in the other room she went on like this
for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end
of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to
herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her
a Happy Birthday"!!!
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then
one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way,
she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more
than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached
home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she
putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded her and led her to a chair at the table. She seated herself and
just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone
rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had
consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the
opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air
around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears
tuned to the conversation in the other room she went on like this
for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end
of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to
herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her
a Happy Birthday"!!!
Apocalypse716
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a couple of retarded jokes
1. What starts with F and ends un uck? Firetruck of course
2. What starts with P and ends in orn? Everyone's favorite, popcorn!
1. What starts with F and ends un uck? Firetruck of course
2. What starts with P and ends in orn? Everyone's favorite, popcorn!
Big Daddy
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Not necessarily jokes, but some of them are amusing.
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmm..........
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you
to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmm..........
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you
to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?
this one's for the girls...
This is my FAVORITE joke, although edited for sensitive eyes/ears...
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back ..."
"Where are you going, coochie coo ...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass ..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc ...
"But, sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that ..."
"You want swearing, cutie pie? ... HERE, DRINK YOUR F** BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F** MUG AND EAT YOUR F** SNACKS! CUZ YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?!?!" LOL LOL LOL
got it from http://huumor.com/joke_2591 (must give credit where credit is due)
This is my FAVORITE joke, although edited for sensitive eyes/ears...
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back ..."
"Where are you going, coochie coo ...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass ..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc ...
"But, sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that ..."
"You want swearing, cutie pie? ... HERE, DRINK YOUR F** BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F** MUG AND EAT YOUR F** SNACKS! CUZ YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?!?!" LOL LOL LOL
got it from http://huumor.com/joke_2591 (must give credit where credit is due)
Thanks, Tusky.... I mean clubchick!
Big Daddy
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I hope the pictures don't offend anyone, but I received this in an e-mail a while ago and thought (and still think) it was quite amusing (and fairly accurate).
Why women have 2 hands and why men have 2 hands:
Why women have 2 hands and why men have 2 hands:
Waxedstrong
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullcrap replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright
I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. You say you're a king? I've got something for you...it is to your exact specification. When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was...
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous... and feed you a leaf."
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
jokes from Mitch Hedberg.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullcrap replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright
I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. You say you're a king? I've got something for you...it is to your exact specification. When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was...
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous... and feed you a leaf."
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
jokes from Mitch Hedberg.
Rudy22
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yeah, mitch hedberg was really funny, but he had is downs too.
Anyway, ZOMBIE BABY JOKES:
What's silver and red and waddles into walls?
A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.
ah, love those
Anyway, ZOMBIE BABY JOKES:
What's silver and red and waddles into walls?
A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.
What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.
ah, love those
crisplinen
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what did bruce lee order at burger king?
A Waahhhaaaappper (Whopper you have to make the sound effects)
what kind of drink did he order with that?
Wahhhtaaa (Water)
A panda goes to a restaurant and orders an entree. The waiter give him the food and the panda finishes the meal. When the waiter gives him the bill, the panda shoots and was about to leave the restaurant until the manager manages to stop him for a minute. Manager says, "Hey, you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your bill." Panda says, "I'm a PANDA, doh. Look it up in the dictionary!" So the panda runs away and the manager looks up panda in the dictionary.
PANDA: a mammal from Asia that eats shoots and leaves.
A Waahhhaaaappper (Whopper you have to make the sound effects
)what kind of drink did he order with that?
Wahhhtaaa (Water)
A panda goes to a restaurant and orders an entree. The waiter give him the food and the panda finishes the meal. When the waiter gives him the bill, the panda shoots and was about to leave the restaurant until the manager manages to stop him for a minute. Manager says, "Hey, you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your bill." Panda says, "I'm a PANDA, doh. Look it up in the dictionary!" So the panda runs away and the manager looks up panda in the dictionary.
PANDA: a mammal from Asia that eats shoots and leaves.