How does Mj Know if a kid is ticklish?

He gives them a Test-tickle ;)


Im bored , forgive me

OK, that was pretty darn bad, but funny! Thanks for the laugh.

Why does MJ love Haloween?

Free Delivery!!!

Ok think think..................yes u finally got it

:)
Please feel free to post bad jokes on this thread

did you hear about the fight in the candy store...?




the 2 suckers got licked ... LOL

Q: What do you call a leper taking a bath?
A: Oatmeal.

Q: Did you hear about the fight at the leper hockey game?
A: The ref's had to stop the game because of a face-off in the corner.

Lol what did the leper say to the hooker?



Keep the tip :)

Why did the chicken cross the road

Answer Link (http://www.chickenjoke.com/)

Anus Laptops

also, these arent jokes, but they're quotes from one of my favorite comedians who recently passed away... :(

"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away..."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."

-- Mitch Hedberg

http://www.jokes.com/results/detail.asp?id=10258&sql=1&cat=35

Intelligent Quotes :confused:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

This one is long, however well worth reading. :tongue:


Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always
had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then
one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way,
she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more
than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached
home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she
putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded her and led her to a chair at the table. She seated herself and
just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone
rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had
consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the
opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air
around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears
tuned to the conversation in the other room she went on like this
for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end
of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to
herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she
assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the
blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her
a Happy Birthday"!!!

a couple of retarded jokes

1. What starts with F and ends un uck? Firetruck of course

2. What starts with P and ends in orn? Everyone's favorite, popcorn!

Not necessarily jokes, but some of them are amusing.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmm..........


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you
to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are
you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the
window?

This is my FAVORITE joke, although edited for sensitive eyes/ears...

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back ..."

"Where are you going, coochie coo ...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"

Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass ..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc ...

"But, sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that ..."

"You want swearing, cutie pie? ... HERE, DRINK YOUR F** BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F** MUG AND EAT YOUR F** SNACKS! CUZ YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?!?!" LOL LOL LOL

got it from http://huumor.com/joke_2591 (must give credit where credit is due)

:D Thanks, Tusky.... I mean clubchick! ;)

I hope the pictures don't offend anyone, but I received this in an e-mail a while ago and thought (and still think) it was quite amusing (and fairly accurate). :confused:

Why women have 2 hands and why men have 2 hands:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v324/cosmo115/women.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v324/cosmo115/men.jpg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullcrap replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright

I went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!"

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."


Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. You say you're a king? I've got something for you...it is to your exact specification. When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of yous... and feed you a leaf."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

jokes from Mitch Hedberg.

yeah, mitch hedberg was really funny, but he had is downs (http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/09/24/131428.php) too.

Anyway, ZOMBIE BABY JOKES:

What's silver and red and waddles into walls?
A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes.

What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.

What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.


ah, love those :)

my kids like this one...

what's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and is made of cement?
a wolf
i know it's not made of cement, silly, i just threw that in to make it HARD

LOL

what did bruce lee order at burger king?
A Waahhhaaaappper (Whopper you have to make the sound effects :))

what kind of drink did he order with that?
Wahhhtaaa (Water)

A panda goes to a restaurant and orders an entree. The waiter give him the food and the panda finishes the meal. When the waiter gives him the bill, the panda shoots and was about to leave the restaurant until the manager manages to stop him for a minute. Manager says, "Hey, you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your bill." Panda says, "I'm a PANDA, doh. Look it up in the dictionary!" So the panda runs away and the manager looks up panda in the dictionary.

PANDA: a mammal from Asia that eats shoots and leaves. :-p

/\/\/\/\/\

Love the panda one

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about theLord?

A little teeny voice came out of the box . . . .
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes." :claps:

my 11yo is busting up at your centipede joke- thanks iluvdeals for the laughs with my daughter ;)

http://i.walmart.com/i/p/00/65/35/69/03/0065356903434_215X215.jpg

Star Wars Mr. Potato Head: "Darth Tater" (http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=3609557&cat=133072&type=5&dept=4171&path=0%3A4171%3A4172%3A133072&xsell=3347029)

out of stock =(

I SOO want that, but everytime I go to buy it, it's out of stock. I guess I'll try Toys R Us in person.

my 11yo is busting up at your centipede joke- thanks iluvdeals for the laughs with my daughter ;)

Thanks clubchick, it's a good one for all age groups. :tongue:

found this in the woot forum and cleaned it up a bit... made me laugh and appreciate how good my kids really are...

Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father has had enough, so he decides to go to a shrink to solve the problem. He asks the shrink: "My son has a problem with foul language, can you suggest anything?"

The shrink replies, "Well Christmas is coming up, so I say leave a pile of dog poop instead of what he really wants."

The father gets home and Johnny says to him, "When I wake up on Christmas morning, I want to wake up to a :cussing: teddy bear. When I go downstairs, I want to see a :cussing: train circling the :cussing: tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a :cussing: bicycle leaning against the :cussing: garage."

Christmas morning arrives. Johnny wakes up and rolls over a pile of dog poop. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees a big pile of dog poop under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dog poop next to the garage.

The father goes downstairs and asks, "So, what'd Santa leave you?"

Johnny responds, "I think I got a :cussing: dog but I can't find the s.o.b.!"

Oh I just made the stupidest joke!

I was studying biology, and bone terminology, when I read something and found it funny....

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with an acetabulum?

A: *N/A*

I just want to see if anyone even tries answering this extremely stupid joke....

Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell..

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens - Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!

The answer to my very stupid biology joke is:

Moofossa ! ! ! (Mufasa from lion king).

You get that answer because Cow= Moo and acetabulum is a fossa, so you add that and get Moofossa
:)

The third worst jokes are jokes i made. The second worst jokes are biology jokes. The first worst jokes are biology jokes i made :D

Religious philosophies of the world in a nutshell..

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens - Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!



LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

http://i.walmart.com/i/p/00/65/35/69/03/0065356903434_215X215.jpg

Star Wars Mr. Potato Head: "Darth Tater" (http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=3609557&cat=133072&type=5&dept=4171&path=0%3A4171%3A4172%3A133072&xsell=3347029)

out of stock =(

I ordered one at hasbrotoyshop. 7.99 plus ship and tax for CA.

all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*


Take a Look at THESE:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Just feed our dog some broccoli and turkey. You only need one of those air biscuits to have the energy of an atomic explosion. :dog: :lightning :eek: :cussing:

Just feed our dog some broccoli and turkey. You only need one of those air biscuits to have the energy of an atomic explosion. :dog: :lightning :eek: :cussing:

is that why your dog looks so mean???

is that why your dog looks so mean???
He's mean because we don't feed him broccoli and turkey! :tongue: :claps:

I wondered how they figured out how much gas comes out & if it would be methaney enought to have such an affect?

Looks like i opened a can of worms with the forum

Must warn Bush about the Farting thing , he may have to ban broccoli exports to iraq

What comes after your stomach

Uranus :) :) :)

How are the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper alike?


They both hang around Uranus looking for Klingons.

nvm........

Girlfriend 1.0 software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

http://www.ahajokes.com/com023.html

all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

So does that mean baked bean is the solution for Iraq an N Korea.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

So the stories abt dolphins saving men was slightly distorted

Once comrade Ministor went to the Delhi to visit his counterpart.
When the Delhi-ministor invited him home for dinner,
the comred was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre ministor's salary?"
The Delhi-ministor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said comred.
"10 percent", said the Delhi-minster smugly.
Some time later, the Delhi-ministor had occasion to pay a return visit.
The Comred minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his party office,the Delhite was stunned by the huge palace, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on bucket collection in Indian Rupees", he asked.
The comred minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the delhi-minister.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The delhi-minister looked, was confused, peered closely and said
"No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said comred !!

Two jokes (which may be argued):

401-Keg Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock 3 years ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund deposit, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. :tongue:


Genie in a bottle

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and nearly drops it at the sight of a one foot tall man sitting on the bar playing a miniature grand piano, and playing it beautifully. Astonished, he asks the bartender, "Where did he (pointing to the piano player) come from?' to which the bartender replies, "From the genie in that bottle." nodding toward a vessel sitting near them on the bar. The man grabs the bottle, rubs it and a genie appears. "What is your wish?" the genie says. Stunned, the man sputters and then declares, "I want a million bucks here on the bar." Nearly deafened by an enormous thunderclap the man watches unbelieving through a haze of feathers and bird**** as ducks swoop everywhere making a tremendous racket. Batting the air and dodging the man yells to the bartender " I believe your genie is a little hard of hearing!" The bartender yells back, "Did you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?" :eek: :spoofee:

BTW, I'm still surprised that nobody commented, liked or pelted me with rocks and garbage for my why women and men have two hands joke. :cry:

okay i hope nobody loses food while reading this...

anywho...
dracula was having problems finding new victims and went to God for help.

he said to God, "God, I can't find any new victims to bite because they all recognize me with my cape, fangs, and everything. Can you help me change my appearance?"

God says "sure."

dracula continues on and describes what he wants to look like. "I want to be something light and flowly. Something that has wings. I want to be white too but i want to be something that would allow me to suck blood."

So God said "I know just the thing."

*Poof*

Guess what dracula changed into?













dracula changes into a maxi pad. :D don't tell me i didnt warn you.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Complete the Challenge of the day and win $1000". He goes up to the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is. He says, "You see those 3 doors over there? Behind the first door is a 300 pound biker. Behind the second door is a mean pit bull with an absessed tooth. Behind the third door is the fattest, harriest, ugliest woman you've ever seen. First, you have to go into the first room and kick the guys butt. Second, you have to go in and pull the bad tooth out of the pit bull. Lastly, you need to go in and make sweet love to the nasty woman." The guy tells him that he wasnt up to all that at the moment.

After a few too many drinks, the guy walks back up to the bar and says, "You know what, I'm ready now, give me the key to the first room." He walks in, trips over a bar stool, knocks the guy down and he's out cold. He walks back out to the bartender and says, "that was nothing, give me the keys to the second room." he goes in and the bar is filled with loud yelping. after a few minutes, the guy comes out walks up to the bar and says, "now where are the keys for the fat chick with a bad tooth."

tvashb01, thats just wrong....yet quite funny lol

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly -- Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "That Was My Pager," She Said. " I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "That Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Hillbilly Women Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Women Finally Said, "Well, Will You Look At That, I'm Gettin' A Fax."

Not really a joke. It's true. :cry: :cry:


Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting."

BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go.

The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"

Oh the wrath that you have incurred bigdaddy. I love it!

Anything above floor 1 should have the floor 5 sign on it.

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to
the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in
a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to
introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably

wouldn't have fit."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and

Civil Engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

?Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." ?If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

The new childbirth

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's
father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
the
machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The
doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL
the
pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

haha good ones, tvashb01 :)

THE THINGS KIDS SAY

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

“Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

hope no blondes get offended by these jokes

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

Who will win a race between Superman , a smart blonde and a baby?

The baby



Why - The other 2 are fictional

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

hope no blondes get offended by these jokes

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".


not offended... i just don't get 'em :p

A soldier got to a fork in the road
and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, "Please Sister, may I
hide under your skirts for a
few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed to his
request. Shortly thereafter, the two
Military Police came running
along and asked her if she had seen a
soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier
crawled out from under her
skirt and said, "I can't thank you
enough Sister, but you see I
don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun
said she can fully understand
the fear.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't
think me rude or impertinent,
but you have the most beautiful pair
of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a
little higher, you would
have seen the most beautiful pair of
balls you've ever seen! I
don't want to go to Iraq either."

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs!"


-----


A mother cleaning her son's room finds some bondage magazines.

She is beside herself. Playboy would be one thing, but bondage!!!

She gathers up the magazines and waits for her husband to come home.

Once home, she shows him the magazines and says, “Look what I found in your son’s room! Now what are we going to do?”

The husband looks at the magazines and says, “Well, for one thing, I don't think we should spank him!!!”


------

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and put the bird's cage in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought it really wasn’t that bad.

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song.

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


MORAL OF THE STORY: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

================================================== ===

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

================================================== ===

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.

================================================== ====

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


MORAL OF THE STORY: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

================================================== ==

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

What Word Starts With "F" and Ends With "K"?




YOUR ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IS WRONG !!!!!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Beer and Female Hormones

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

(as Big Daddy runs to the hills) ;)

This is one of the worst jokes I heard in a while, but you can tell it to your kids..............


Little Piggies

Three pigs went to eat at a resturant the waiter asked what they wanted to drink one pig said a sprite anothe a coke and the other water lots and lots of water.

He comes back and asked for the meal the first pig said pasta the 2nd said pizza and the 3rd said water lots and lots of water.

He then asked what they wanted for desert the 1st said chocolate cake the 2nd said Ice cream and the third said water lots and lots of water.

When the waiter brought the bill he asked the third pig why were you drinking just water he said one of us has to go wee wee all the way home.

http://i.walmart.com/i/p/00/65/35/69/03/0065356903434_215X215.jpg

Star Wars Mr. Potato Head: "Darth Tater" (http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=3609557&cat=133072&type=5&dept=4171&path=0%3A4171%3A4172%3A133072&xsell=3347029)

out of stock =(
My boy got me one of these for father's day.

Wait til you see the spudtrooper coming soon, available with a potato masher. (http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?product_id=3850;category_id=449;pcid1= ;pcid2=)

Gabriel http://www.sirstevesguide.com/news/uploads/31536_normal.jpg

My boy got me one of these for father's day.

Wait til you see the spudtrooper coming soon, available with a potato masher. (http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?product_id=3850;category_id=449;pcid1= ;pcid2=)

Gabriel http://www.sirstevesguide.com/news/uploads/31536_normal.jpg
OMG! that's HILARIOUS!!! LOL

that little blue potato masher is toooo cute! stormtroopers don't seem so scary to me anymore! :D

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.


Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

I've found that by installing KitchenPass 2.0, I can occasionally get a few of these programs to work ;)
great one, penpen LOL

all jokes aside, i cant believe that we are making jokes at a time like this. We are in war people! men are risking their lives for this country and we are making jokes...... i mean do you know where the general is putting his armies??!! in his sleevies.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the
women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady
is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns
to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his
dad
does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean
to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells
his
mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"



"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he
hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"



***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says . . ..



Swimming pool??



...Is this 555-7039??????"



No.



Click............

this site is hilarious

http://winterson.com/2005/06/episode-iii-backstroke-of-west.html

it's literal english translations of chinese words of an english movie Revenge of the Sith

http://img77.imageshack.us.nyud.net:8090/img77/7367/swb251lt.jpg
http://img109.imageshack.us.nyud.net:8090/img109/215/swb56ch.jpg

Two Amish women are in the field digging up potatoes. The first one pauses, holding a potato in each hand, and says, “These potatoes remind me of my husbands balls.”

The second Amish woman gasps in excitement and replies, “Your husband's balls are that big?”

The first answers back, “No, that dirty.”

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was
beaming. He gave her that " who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you
were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world
coming to?
Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her
children!
Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but,
MAYBE...during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college...
perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the
parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and
then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front
of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's
second-grade teacher ."

"Marriage Proposal"

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
observes to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is
impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Now that's is interesting point

Q. What do you do if an epileptic is drowning in your swimming pool?

A. Throw your laundry in.

Q. What do you do if an epileptic is drowning in your swimming pool?

A. Throw your laundry in.

That's only funny if you have a really small pool. :tongue:

Why did the chicken cross the road

Answer Link (http://www.chickenjoke.com/)
:claps: :bigok:

all truth here, but i found these very amusing: *all just little tid-bits*


Take a Look at THESE:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Dang, you trying the scare the $@#$%@%^#@%0 out of us!!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Quick! Go get your Mother."

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop
3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
4. Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingy.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He was looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and trying to figure out the wind direction and speed. In short, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!"

http://www.askmen.com/jokes/2005_aug/aug03.html

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had
told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it
took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from So. Carolina. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didnt see any results,
but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Massachusetts girl. He boasted that he told
her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and
laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day
he didnt see anything and the second day he didnt see anything but by
the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye

Two friends were just about to tee off on the first hole at their local
golf course when another man, carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they
said, "You're more than welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way through the course, one of the friends turned to the
newcomer and said, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was
his reply.

"You're joking!" was their response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching
into his golf bag, he pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with
a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window.""Wow, I can see my wife in the
bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my
neighbor in there with her . He's naked, too!!! The *****!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do
a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth."

"Then my neighbor, he's still a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick
off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man grabbed the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be
patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
here....."

Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level
of the pond increases. How?


A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have
anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the
boat will become LIGHTER.......using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level
of the pond increases. How?


A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have
anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the
boat will become LIGHTER.......using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL


Thanks to you, I am never reading again just so i don't come across those jokes. j/k
;)

a man walks into a bar.....











ouch!!

a guy goes into a bar, sees a horse sitting on a stool and says...






why the long face?

Why did the moron tiptoe to the Pharmacy?
So that he won't wake up the sleeping pills.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably

wouldn't have fit."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and

Civil Engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

?Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." ?If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I'm personally a chemical engineer for the moment... I was... ASTOUNDED by how true these quotes are :tongue:

Here are my original jokes:

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix...

Don't drink and derive!


Baby, I'd love to use the fundamental theorm of calculus on you...

I'd love to find the area under all your curves

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head .
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol
trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,
120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
Catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch , "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head .
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol
trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,
120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
Catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch , "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper


HAHA, I liked that one :bigok:

Modern day birds and bees

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

hahahahahahaha...for all those jokes in these 7 pages that kept me busy for 2 hours

It's not really a joke, but it is very funny. A guy witnessed an accident involving four elderly ladies; he was leaving a message for an associate while this occurred. His laugh just kills me!

Listen Here (http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf)

Seniors:

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
__________________________________________________ _

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

Modern day birds and bees

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Good one...BTW, what was he named? Yahoooligan?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those
headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He
told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a
ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll
be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her
head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's
not my wife. She's not my wife!"

This is actually a story but not a joke:

While I was on a field trip for some political club, we were having debates. People would contribute ideas to make the proposed law perfect so we could accept and pass it. While on the topic of cuba, someone offered the proposal
"to change the national anthem of Cuba to 'Row, row, row your boat...'"

Good one...BTW, what was he named? Yahoooligan?

haha maybe
catchy name though ;)

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

One day, there was this reallly annoying cookie who loved to dance and party. He invited all his friends over on the boardwalk to listen to loud blasting music and party. THe neighbor of the cookie got angry and told him to stop listenign to music and partying or he would throw the cookie into the ocean. The cookie didnt like the idea of the ocean b/c of the lobsters that could eat him, but he ignored this and still listened to music. After 3 straight days of, the neighbor picked up the cookie and punted him into the ocean, and the cookie was eaten by lobsters, so the guy laughed and went back home LOL

whats brown and sticky?












a stick

ok ok another joke-

Two people were going out, and the man decided to ask this girl to marry him one day. Before the date at a pricy resteraunt where he planned on asking her, the guy was waslking mindlessly down the boardwalk, looking at the new $2000 rign he had just bought, when he accidentally tripped and the ring fell into the ocean between the cracks. The guy went into the ocean, but saw lobsters, and decided that it was too dangerous. The guy didnt know what to do, and decided to explain the situation to his future wife. When they got to the resteratuant, and had ordered lobster, the guy was about to explain what happened when the food arrived. The girl went to eat the lobster, and what did she find in the lobster? The dancin cookie!

(if you didnt get this joke, read my other joke, right before this one, and then read this)

Provo, Utah (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Provo courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

A guy in a public restroom sat down only to hear the guy in the next stall say, "Hi, how are you?" Hesitantly, he replied, "Uh, ok." "What are you doing?" said the other guy. "I'm here on a business trip" replied the first guy getting angry. "How about I come over there?" said the other guy to which the first guy replies yelling, "Why in the hell would you want to do that, are you some kind of sicko." The second guy says, "Hey, I'm going to have to call you back, the dumba$$ in the next stall keeps talking to me."

This is funny if you come out with a serious tone and make people believe its true:

Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids? Yeah, they said that the only naturally lubricating skin on the body besides the eyelids is your foreskin. So when they circumsized him, they used some of that foreskin and made eyelids for him. They said that he should be ok, but he might be a little COCK EYED.

If a quiz is called a quiz-icle, then what is a test called?
Answer: A test-icle :eek:

this is my favorite joke to tell cuz i never screw it up... but it's much better spoken than read lol....

these two cowboys were riding the range when the less intelligent of the two says "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!"
second cowboy says "how far away is he?"
first says "i don't know, you know i ain't that smart"..
"well, how BIG is he?"...
"he's THAT big" (shows him about 1/2 in between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger"...

a minute or two passes and the not-so-smart cowboy hollers "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!".....
"well how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT big" (shows about a 4 inch gap between his thumb and forefinger)...
"ok, well tell me when he gets bigger".....

another minute or two and the dumb cowboy cries out "there's an injun behind us, there's an injun behind us!!!"....
"how big is he now?"....
"he's THAT BIG!!" (show about six inches between his hands)...
"well, if he gets closer, tell me right away"....

after 30 seconds, the cowboy is now screaming
"THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US, THERE'S AN INJUN BEHIND US!!"....
"HOW BIG IS HE?"....
"HE'S THAT BIG!!!!" (12 inches between his hands)...
"WELL SHOOT HIM!!!".....
"I CAN'T!".....
"WHY NOT?"....
(shows 1/2 inch between thumb and forefinger) "BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HE WAS THIS BIG!!"

It's not really a joke, but it is very funny. A guy witnessed an accident involving four elderly ladies; he was leaving a message for an associate while this occurred. His laugh just kills me!

Listen Here (http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was hilarious.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."


see post #56

A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then turning to the man she asked,

"How many is a Brazilian?"

How do female ghosts dance?
They shake their boo-ty!

What's the most popular restaurant in the North Pole?
Burr-ger King!

Why do elephants go swimming?
To get their trunks wet!

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine?
An A Flat Minor

What do you get when you throw a piano on a military officier?
An A Flat Major

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why they wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________

Did you know....Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

__________________________________________________ ______________

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans. I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

good one, spaz.. i'm always up for a good jab at the clintons :p

Thank you everyone for making my day go by a little faster. ;) :claps:

A gay man, a straight man and a greedy man all die and show up at the Gates of Heaven at once. St. Peter welcomes them to his desk and then begins flipping through their files. "Hmmm..." he says. "Apparently, one of you liked men, one of you loved money, and one of you couldn't stop fornicating with women! This is bad, let me call God."

So St. Peter calls God, not really wanting to send three otherwise good men to Hell at once, and God himself comes to talk to them. "Okay," God says, "I'm going to put each of you three men through a test to try to resist the sinful thing that got you a ticket to Hell. If you can pass this test, you'll get into Heaven. If you fail, then you'll hear a loud POOF, and you'll be in Hell."

So the men agree, and the first man up is the straight man. In front of him is the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. He tried to resist, but he just couldn't do it. He began unclothing her...


POOF!

He went to Hell.

So the greedy man step up for his test, and in front of him, on the ground, is a billion dollar check, ready to be cashed by him. He can't resist, he bends over to pick it up...

POOF!

POOF!

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of ! this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way

How does a crazy person walk throught the forest?


they take the psychopath.

Pefect Couple (http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)

that was great, blueflamme!!!

Why isn't Washington DC not having a nativity scene this year?

It doesn't have anything to do with being politically correct. They just can't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Why isn't Washington DC not having a nativity scene this year?

It doesn't have anything to do with being politically correct. They just can't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
But they found plenty of asses to fill the stable! :)

A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.:beer_yum:

This joke is a long one, but the punch line is really funny. Please read the whole thing.

A man was walking by the water cooler at work one day, and he over heard a couple of his co-workers talking and decided to join in their conversation. The conversation topic was 'The Purple Fuzz'. The man was very confused and asked what the purple fuzz was. His co-workers looked at him incredulously and one said, 'You don't know what the purple fuzz is, well I can't talk to you anymore." They then both turned on him and started talking in low muffled voices he couldn't understand.

Word spread quickyl that this man didn't know what the purple fuzz was, and everyone in the office started treating him very poorly. His secretary refused to give him any messages, he was purposefully not invited to the catered luncheon on the third floor, even the janitor refused to come in and empty his trash. He was treated like this for two full days, when at the end of the second day his boss called him in and said "I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're holding our company back and we're going to have to let you go. I want you out by this afternoon, we have your replacement coming in tomorrow morning and anything you leave behind will be thrown away."

The man tried to ask as to some explanation, but his boss wouldn't say anything else. He could hear though, on his way out his boss mumble under his breath something about the purple fuzz.

So he packs up his desk and belongings, picks up his last check (which was 100 dollars short of what he deserved), and goes home an hour early. His wife asks when he gets home why he is so early, and he tells her about the previous two days and how bad everyone was treating him and that his boss fired him today. By the end of the story this man is in tears, which tears don't really help to console him from the stresses of the preceeding days. He manages to speak through the sobs, "All because I don't know what the purple fuzz is, who cares about the dang purple fuzz anyways?"
"You don't know what the purple fuzz is?" his wife responds.

"No, that's what started this whole mess in the first place." he tells her.

"Well if you don't know what the purple fuzz is, we're going to have to get a divorce. I can't believe I married a man who doesn't know about the purple fuzz."

In divorce court as the man is trying to plead for enough possesions and money to stay alive, he explains his plight to the judge. When he gets to the part about not knowing about the purple fuzz, the judges recoils, and immediately awards all of the couples possesion to the wife, leaving the man unemployed, homeless, and with not to his name but the shirt on his back and the pants on his legs (the judge even made him give his wife the suit coat he was wearing at the hearing).

By now it's mid January, it's the worst winter the state had seen in 50 years. 3 feet of snow on the ground, sub zero temperatures under the noon-day sun, and our poor fellow barely hanging on to life. In desperation the man steals a few light winter clothes from a second hand store to try and ward off frezzing to death on the cold nights on the streets. Just as he is about to get out the door with his new found wardrobe, the employee at the store stops him and accuses him of stealing. Our man tries to explain his story yet again, this time leaving out the part about the purple fuzz, but the store employee refuses to listen and calls the cops.

The cops thake this man into custody and he has a trial date set for ajudge to hear his plot. In the mean time he can stay in the local prison. To this thought the man sees some hope, he'll at least be off the street for a few nights in a warm building with three meals a day. However the time he spent in the jail was far from pleasant. Word somehow got around that he didn't know what the purple fuzz was, and every day he was mercilessly beaten.

When his court date finally came, it turns out to be the same judge he had during his divorce hearing. Upon entering the court, the judge sees the man and instantly recognizes him. "You're that guy who doesn't know about the purple fuzz aren't you?"
He nods.

"Well, in that case I sentance you to 7 years of hard jail time. Maybe that will help you straighten your life out." The judge banged his gavel on his desk and left the court room.

Our man went to a maximum security prison, with the worst of the worst criminals. These were the murderers, rapists, bombers, terrorists, the true dregs of society. The news of the new guy that didn't know about the purple fuzz spread quicly and as a result this man had unspeakable things done to him. Beaten, unliked, sodomized, tortured, by guards and inmates alike. for 7 years this went on.

The man finally got out and was sitting at a bench in a park one day trying to figure out what he was going to do with what shards of his life he still had. As he was sitting there, he began again to cry just thinking about what had happened to him over the past few years of his life. as he was sitting there, lost in his own thoughts, an elderly woman sat next to him and said, "What seems to be troubling you son?"

The man hesitated, and asked the woman, "Do you promise not to hit me or call me names or turn me into the cops, send me to jail, scream, beat me with your purse, or anything else of the like if I tell you?"

"Of course I wont do anything of those things, just tell me what it is. even if you didn't know what the purple fuzz is I wouldn't do any of that to you."

"Well that's just it, I don't know what the purple fuzz is, and because of that i've..." he began to relate his story. When he was finally finished the woman told him that she was very sorry. She gave him $100 and told him to go get him a few clothes, and then come to her house in an hour, and she would tell him all about the purple fuzz.

The man was absolutely ecstatic. He wsa finally going to hear about the purple fuzz, and he would never have to be hated for not knowing again. This was the first thing that had gone well for this man in nigh 10 years, and the thought of new clothes, not the same ones he had been wearing since his divorce (for the prison refused to give him a uniform, saying he didnt deserve it) that thought almost over whelmed him. So our man thanked the woman heartily, got her address and promised to meet her at her house in exactly one hour.

The man stood up frrom the bench, started to cross the street to the clothing store accross frrom the park, and failed to see an oncoming bus, which hit the man, and he died instantly.

The end.

not nice.......................:( boo!

k, to save face from the purple fuzz joke, heres a few:

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of it's feet are the same

Q: How many Elephants can you fit in a volvo?
A: 4, 2 in the front 2 in the back

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There's footprints in the butter

Q: How can you tell if there have been 2 elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's foot prints in the butter and the peanuts are missing.

Q: How can you tell if 3 elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: You can't

Q: How can you tell if 4 elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There's foot prints in the butter, the peanuts are gone, and theres a volvo parked outside.

Q: How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

Q: How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator?
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.

Q: A lion king called a meeting of all the animals, which one didn't show up?
A: The giraffe, he was in the refrigerator.

Q: How do you fit a hippo into a refrigerator?
A: you can't

Is that enough silliness to counteract the purple fuzz joke?

wade you forgot to put the moral of the purple fuzz story:
look both ways before you cross the street :p

i've been known to tell this type of joke myself... and for some reason, when i have a new joke, none of my family or friends wants to hear it :tongue:

wade you forgot to put the moral of the purple fuzz story:
look both ways before you cross the street :p

i've been known to tell this type of joke myself... and for some reason, when i have a new joke, none of my family or friends wants to hear it :tongue:

I this is a joke based mostly off one a roomate of mine would always tell. The whole point of the story is the fact that there is no point. I think the joke is a lot funnier when it's actually told and acted out a bit, but it's still fun to spen almost an hour typing it out, then having multiple people spend 5 minuutes reading it, it still accomplishes ists purpose..to waste time.

But please, do share you're versions of the joke, enlighten us clubchick

Two elephants are taking a shower. One says, "pass the soap". The othe says, "no soap, Radio!" LOL

I this is a joke based mostly off one a roomate of mine would always tell. The whole point of the story is the fact that there is no point. I think the joke is a lot funnier when it's actually told and acted out a bit, but it's still fun to spen almost an hour typing it out, then having multiple people spend 5 minuutes reading it, it still accomplishes ists purpose..to waste time.

But please, do share you're versions of the joke, enlighten us clubchick
Wade, you must learn to type faster! Oh, youth is wasted on the young, time is money ! :money:

Wade, you must learn to type faster! Oh, youth is wasted on the young, time is money ! :money:

I'm no fast typer, but I plink out around 40-50 wpm, which isn't very slow either. The majority of the time typing was tryiong to think of what more to put the poor guy through.

As for "youth is wasted on the young", I say wisdom is wasted on the old :)

I'm no fast typer, but I plink out around 40-50 wpm, which isn't very slow either. The majority of the time typing was tryiong to think of what more to put the poor guy through.

As for "youth is wasted on the young", I say wisdom is wasted on the old :)

That's where the senility comes in to play, you're wise now but the body can not keep up with the wisdom, so the mind chooses to forget, I think, it's hard for me to remember.

"I plink out around 40-50 wpm, which isn't very slow either. "

Son, try 90+ on a selectric, then talk to me........

Son, try 90+ on a selectric, then talk to me........

Hence this.

I'm no fast typer.

I'm no fast typer, but :)
Honey haven't you heard, 'but' negates it all...........don't you watch Oprah????

Honey haven't you heard, 'but' negates it all...........don't you watch Oprah????

Honestly try to avoid that woman at all costs. I'd rather watch Dr. Phil, which isn't saying much.

i dont get ur elephant jokes and that purple fuzz joke was ... :( :confused:

hey, where are the jokes ? :( I click on the link expecting to find some "statement" and i end up wasting a minute reading purple fuzz and this nonsense of wpm? I sense an off topic post here (or quite a few), just like this post....

hey, where are the jokes ? :( I click on the link expecting to find some "statement" and i end up wasting a minute reading purple fuzz and this nonsense of wpm? I sense an off topic post here (or quite a few), just like this post....


A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender says, "hey, why the long face?"

And isn't this whole forum supposed to be about off-topic discussion anyway? :)

Thats the overall generalized theme of the forums, but each forum should contain relevant data

eg: A forum with the title "Computer help" shouldn't contain information about your Easter vacation.....

Thats the overall generalized theme of the forums, but each forum should contain relevant data

eg: A forum with the title "Computer help" shouldn't contain information about your Easter vacation.....

eg a thread titled "Joke Thread, come and post your jokes here" should not contain posts about forum etiquette :)

Now for the joke:

How'd the gum cross the road?

It was on the chicken's foot!

Can't we all just get along..........?

Happy, happy, happy :)

Can't we all just get along..........?

Happy, happy, happy :)


all in fun, all in fun

I was just having fun bantering back and forth. I wasn't taking anything personally, nor making any serious attacks on anyone else. Like you say, "ALl in fun" Or perhaps "Can't we all just get along" was the joke. Haha.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow

Interupting c..

MOO!!

:) .

Q: Why did the first monky fall out of the tree?
A: He died.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was stapled to the first monkey.

Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure

CHEM JOKES

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."



1st Atom: I think I lost an electron
2nd Atom: Are you sure?
1st Atom: I am positive!


Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.

Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.



Rules of the Lab
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
11) Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

Disclaimer:
These two jokes rely mostly on how they're told and how much the person telling them is laughing. So picture a fat jolly man <not santa, more like a happier rush limbaugh> trying to force these jokes through his laughter.

LOL
Somebody ask me if I'm an orange
LOL
WadetheWise, are you an orange?
LOL
NOPE!!!!
LOL LOL

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
LOL
A: One of it's feet are the same.
LOL LOL LOL

clubchick, can you give me some more bad jokes?
ok so this guy walks up and sees three hippos standing in a row, all wearing dark sunglasses, goatees,
and snapping their fingers sorta boho style...
the man asks the first hippo, "why are you snapping your fingers?"
hippo replies (snapping his fingers all the while) "i'm snappin' my fingers cuz i think i'm cool"
so he walks to the second hippo and asks again "why are you snapping your fingers?"
second hippo, still snapping his fingers replies, "i'm snappin' my fingers cuz i think i'm cool"
so the man walks to the third hippo and asks, "why, then, are you snapping your fingers?"
the third hippo, still snapping his fingers, replies "i got a booger on my finger and i can't get it off"

LOL
Q: why do mice live in holes?
A: They were raised that way.

LOL

There were 3 tomatos: a momma, a poppa, and baby tomato. they were walking down the street but the baby tomato wasn't fast enough walking with the adult tomatoes. so the poppa tomato goes over to the baby tomato and swishes him and says "Catch up."

what do little ghosts wear?
Pillowcases

What color are they?
Boo!

What do little ghosts wear on their feet?
boo-ties

What game do they play?
peek-a-boo!

Where do little ghosts go swimming?
in lake eerie

what kind of bats swing upside down?
acro-bats

What kind of batgs know their ABCs?
alpha-bats

why are demons always so slinny?
they get lots of exorcise.

how do skeletons deliver the mail?
by boney (pony) express

what do you get if you cross a pony and a ghost?
whinny the boo

when does a lawyer make coffee?
when he has sufficient grounds

why was the calendar so sad?
its days were numbered

Why can't the blonde make kool-aid?
She can't fit two quarts of water in the little package!

Why did the blonde carpenter throw away half of her nails?
The pointed end was on the wrong side!

Hard to Please

Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work.So, being the handy sort of guy that I was, I made her a riding lawnmower.


I guess I thought she would squeal with delight and give me a big hug.


To this day I have never been able to understand







why women are so hard to please.










http://members.cox.net/blueflamme/riding%20lawnmower.bmp

Saw this one last night on You Bet Your Life with Groucho Marx.

Two men are sitting at a table in a bar. One of the men says to the other "I'm 85 years old and I have never had a need for glasses"

The other man asks why not.

"Because I always drink my liquor straight from the bottle!"






The other man says "Well I'm 86 years old and I have you beat! I've never worked a day in my life."

They got even with him though. He died some months later and when they cremated him they put his ashes in an hourglass. He's been working ever since.

this is great if you're the type of person who can keep a straight face. i'm a bit too goofy and expressive to tell this one :p

did you hear about the problems they're having in Iraq right now with thefts of prescription drugs? especially erectile dysfunction meds- because of the stress levels the people are undergoing over there with elections and the war, men are having a tougher time "getting it up". well, apparently the latest is a group of three men who stole almost a million dollars worth of viagra. U.S. soldiers as well as the Iraqi guard are now on the lookout for three hardened criminals.

this is the same type of joke, you have to keep a straight face:

did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids? Yeah, they say that the only naturally lubricating skin like your eyelids is your penis. So when they circumsized him, they attached that and made eyelids. They say he should be fine, but he might be a little cock-eyed

this is the same type of joke, you have to keep a straight face:

did you hear about the baby boy that was born with no eyelids? Yeah, they say that the only naturally lubricating skin like your eyelids is your penis. So when they circumsized him, they attached that and made eyelids. They say he should be fine, but he might be a little cock-eyed


This is funny if you come out with a serious tone and make people believe its true:

Did you hear about the baby boy that was born without eyelids? Yeah, they said that the only naturally lubricating skin on the body besides the eyelids is your foreskin. So when they circumsized him, they used some of that foreskin and made eyelids for him. They said that he should be ok, but he might be a little COCK EYED.

Do I hear an echo? :) :tongue:

Do I hear an echo? :) :tongue:
I don't know if you do, but I do

OK I have one, I girl sinned with the same man like 3 times one night, so she goes to the confessional booth at her church and she told the minister that, and he said go to the store, get 6 of the biggest juciest lemons you can find, go home, squeeze them all into a glass, and drink it. She said that she would, and then she asked, will this repent my sins, no the preacher said, but it sure will get the smile off your face :)

sorry...did think i posted that one here before.

deleted for content. :)

There were three couples that died in a horrible car wreck. When the three couples were standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter wouldn't let any of the men in. To the first man he said, "In life you were too obsessed with money, and to top it off you married a woman named Penny. You can't come in, but your wife can." Penny went into heaven, and her husband was dragged away to hell. The second man was told this by Peter, "In life you were obsessed with alcohol, then married a girl named "Jen". I'm sorry you can't come in, but your wife can." As the second man was being taken down to hell, the last man said to his wife, "It's been nice knowing ya Fanny".

Provo, Utah (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Provo courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the BYU Cougars whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

A Ute fan and a Cougar fan die and go to heaven (they both get in, of course, they're Mormons :)). The Ute fan is taken to a small shanty down a back alley in heaven. In the front of his house is a few small red windsocks and flags to show support for the Utes. He looks over the hill and sees this hugh Mansion with the entire grounds covered in blue and gold. The lawn is covered in topiaries of cougars, There is a replica Y Mountain behind the mansion. The Ute fan asks Peter, "Why did the BYU fan get such a better house than I did?"

Peter responds, "That's God's house."

Blatantly plagiarized from the Anandtech Forums. :bigok:


There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

I must add my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rats' germs, etc. in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayer if I forward an email to seven of my friends and say a prayer within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM(EDT) this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

WOW, spaz... merry christmas to you too :confused:
;)

Woman goes to the Post Office, to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."

The Clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran and 22 Presbyterian."
>

This was e-mailed to me awhile ago ~ enjoy!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
***************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
****************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Vegas Trip
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in
Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around during their
break and discussed their vacation. The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever
do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
'7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy
said, "I know what you mean! My wife played blackjack
the whole time we were there and now she slaps the bed all night and
hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard,' and I haven't had a wink of
sleep either!" The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there. Now, every morning,
I wake up with a sore winky and a butt full of quarters!"

The Mommy test:

I was out walking with my 4 year old son. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. "Why?" my son asked. Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my son looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was
evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" he beamed, "So if you don't pass the test,
you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy
in my heart.

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the "Amazing
Claude"was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S**t!" said the Hypnotist...


It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

Q. Why do computer scientists get halloween and christmas confused?

A. Because Oct 31 == Dec 25


*All your base are belong to numbering systems!*

New Husband Store in N.Y.C.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

What is green and fuuzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

Answer......A Pool Table

Told to me by my "High Honor's" 15 yr old step daughter after aceing her regents math test!!

NOTES FROM THOUGHTFUL RON....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became
necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf cour! se about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready
for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I te! ll her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up
his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife Julie was
arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he
accidentally sat down on it very suddenly. :claps:

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END :claps:

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END
:claps:
after a weekend away from kids and hubby, i know exactly how that girl felt... well except for camping and the sex thing ;)

good one, precocious!!
(note- it was still good to come home, even though the house was trashed, kids were amped on sugar, and hubby couldn't wait for me to fix dinner!)

PRACTICAL ZEN

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.


and the best for last ...


There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry . please warn the Pope!!

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -- Red Buttons

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

>> > On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
> old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
> day, two
>> > boys filled
>> > up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
>> out
>> > of sight,
>> > and began dividing the nuts.
>> >
>> > "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
>> me,"
>> > said one
>> > boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the
>> > fence.
>> >
>> > Another boy came riding along the road on his
>> > bicycle. As he
>> > passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
>> > cemetery.
>> > He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
>> > heard,
>> > "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
>> me."
>> >
>> > He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his
>> > bike and rode
>> > off. Just around the bend he met an old man with
>> a
>> > cane,
>> > hobbling along.
>> >
>> > "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't
>> believe
>> > what I
>> > heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
>> cemetery
>> > dividing up
>> > the souls."
>> >
>> > The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's
>> hard
>> > for me to
>> > walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
>> > hobbled to the
>> > cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One
>> > for you, one
>> > for me. One for you, one for me..."
>> >
>> > The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin'
>> the
>> > truth.
>> > Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with
>> > fear, they
>> > peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
>> > see anything.
>> >
>> > The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
>> > bars of the
>> > fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
>> > glimpse of the
>> > Lord.
>> >
>> > At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.
>> That's
>> > all.
>> > Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll
>> > be done."
>> >
>> > They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
>> > minutes ahead
>> > of the boy on the bike.

thought this was funny, and goes along with spaz's Christmas post :confused:

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal, the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, beware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace


2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!


9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

FAMILY TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally went bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family."

Moral Of The Story: Always keep your condoms in your car

Its kind of sad, but I really dont know any jokes suitable for all sexes and races and ages. Every joke I know is at someones horrible expense. Theyre funny as all get out, dont get me wrong, but theyre definitely inappropriate.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Love this.

A little late, but..................


THE SUPER BOWL TICKET

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near.
"Yes father" said the aide. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.
The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Schumer would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Schumer commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Republicans have done on us." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Schumer's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Schumer.
The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I would like to do the same."

http://www.davesdaily.com/videoclips/229-moonwalk-bird.htm

Cool bird video! :)

OMG, that bird rules. I wish I could moonwalk. :zip:

go birdy, its ya birfday
not fa real real
jus fa play play.

Have you guys seen the polar bear trying to get to the girl dressed like a seal? Japanese people can be crazy. Poor little.. uh, big bear, being taunted like that. At least the girl got to choose to be screwed with.

Get the girl (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/37285/polar_bear/)
(the original link on YouTube froze for me, so credit to the guys at YouTube)

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked
his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,
"Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . Priceless :)

cop pulls a guy over and asks "sir, have you been drinking? cuz your eyes look bloodshot"
he replies "officer, have you been eating doughnuts? cuz your eyes look glazed"

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told
him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

What's blue (or the applicable color) and sleeps 2?































patrol car....:p

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told
him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Hey guys this really works. When I was in High School someone was in the process of stealing my truck and when my dad called 911 they said that someone would be there as soon as they could. After they told him that he told them he had a gun and was about to shoot the guy and they said not to they had gotten someone and they would be there quickly. It was bout 60 seconds after that someone showed up.

Hey guys this really works. When I was in High School someone was in the process of stealing my truck and when my dad called 911 they said that someone would be there as soon as they could. After they told him that he told them he had a gun and was about to shoot the guy and they said not to they had gotten someone and they would be there quickly. It was bout 60 seconds after that someone showed up.

warning - do not escalate a 911 call. They do prosecute people who do this (i.e. say they have a gun, 'officer in trouble', etc.) It can be very dangerous for you and for the responders (or an innocent bystander). What I posted was a joke and not intended as advice of any sort to misrepresent an emergency call to gain a faster response. Please do not do that.

warning - do not escalate a 911 call. They do prosecute people who do this (i.e. say they have a gun, 'officer in trouble', etc.) It can be very dangerous for you and for the responders (or an innocent bystander). What I posted was a joke and not intended as advice of any sort to misrepresent an emergency call to gain a faster response. Please do not do that.


My dad did not tell the 911 operator that he was going to shoot the guy to gain a faster response. He was actually going to shoot the guy for trespassing on our property. You have the right to do that here in the state of Texas if it is dark outside (I don't know about anywhere else). In fact there are some places out here where people have signs in there yard that say No trespassing violators will be shot. I have seen them personally.

undefinedPlease heed this advice from me and precocious:
I do not advise that someone call 911 and lie to them. This may cause you or the responders to become involved in a dangerous situation.undefined

Live Squid was washed up on a beach after a terrible
>>shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with
>>him. After looking around, he realised that they were
>>stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while,
>>he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
>>to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>>
>>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
>>beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a
>>perfect night for romance.
>>
>>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
>>better to the lonely Squid. Soon, he leaned over to the
>>sheep and put his arm around it.
>>But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
>>fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>>After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
>>sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
>>
>>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
>>shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
>>the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in
>>a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed
>>her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough,
>>he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
>>another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
>>and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
>>soon, Squid started to get "those feelings" again. He
>>fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave
>>in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
>>whispered in her ear,

























>>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk".:love:

I know a similar one.

A man was shipwrecked on an island. He was all alone. For days he wondered what he would do. After a while he started to settle in to his new home. A few days later he heard voices. He went to investigate. He walked over a hill and saw a flock of sheep. Then he noticed two men kneeling behind a couple of the sheep...

When he expressed his concern for this behavior, the men told him, "Wait, youll understand before too long."

The man soon grew tired of masturbation and after seeing the men go over the hill every couple of days he started to figure, What the hell.

So finally one night the got the nerve to join the men. As they went over the hill the man chose his sheep and ran for it. While he was 'enjoying himself' the other men were laughing hysterically and pointing at him. The man screams, "What the hell are you laughing at? You guys do this all the time!"

The men answer, "Yeah.. But you picked the ugly one!"


Oh, and BTW, LiveSquids dont wash up on beaches. DeadSquids do. ;)

I know a similar one.

A man was shipwrecked on an island. He was all alone. For days he wondered what he would do. After a while he started to settle in to his new home. A few days later he heard voices. He went to investigate. He walked over a hill and saw a flock of sheep. Then he noticed two men kneeling behind a couple of the sheep...

When he expressed his concern for this behavior, the men told him, "Wait, youll understand before too long."

The man soon grew tired of masturbation and after seeing the men go over the hill every couple of days he started to figure, What the hell.

So finally one night the got the nerve to join the men. As they went over the hill the man chose his sheep and ran for it. While he was 'enjoying himself' the other men were laughing hysterically and pointing at him. The man screams, "What the hell are you laughing at? You guys do this all the time!"

The men answer, "Yeah.. But you picked the ugly one!"


Oh, and BTW, LiveSquids dont wash up on beaches. DeadSquids do. ;)

http://www.spoofee.com/forums/showpost.php?p=123994&postcount=9

You must realize where this came from......:rolleyes:

Yeah, from the bleeding heart comment. If that wasnt obvious from your post, Id be a moron!

Yeah, from the bleeding heart comment. If that wasnt obvious from your post, Id be a moron!
:rolleyes: :) You never know........:theyareon

Just you wait. Im gonna come up with such a comeback.. Just let me think about it for a while.. ;) I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but sooner or later...


WHAMMO!

Three Ladies In A Hot Tub
Three Women, One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly,
Were Sitting In A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The German Pressed
Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped.the Others Looked At
Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said. "i
Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."
> >
A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman
Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She
Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A
Microchip In My Hand."
> >
The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be
Outdone, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As
Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To
The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet
Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their
Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The Hillbilly Woman
Finally Said, "well, Will You Look At That. I'm
Gettin' A Fax!"
>:)

my b'f said this to me and i just about died because of its simplicity:
Two guys walk into a bar.....................................and they got a concussion. LOL

And on the other hand.........she wore a glove.:p

Yay....people are making really crappy jokes again, that's my cue!!!

2 guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"?

and my personal favorite

drum roll please

d
dr
dru
drum
drum r
drum ro
drum rol
drum roll
drum rol
drum ro
drum r
drum
dru
dr
d





Why do mice live in holes?

BECAUSE THEY WERE RAISED THAT WAY LOL LOL :claps:

Yay....people are making really crappy jokes again, that's my cue!!!

LOL :claps:

The mods should 'statisize' you as "King of the Crappy Jokes" :claps: :claps: :rolleyes:

The mods should 'statisize' you as "King of the Crappy Jokes" :claps: :claps: :rolleyes:

I'm for it! :claps: :bigok: :claps:

THE PERFECT EXCUSE...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming in to work today." ;)

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his Head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, " By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is Dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... And then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?" :hmm:

Ask the Fruit Cake Lady....:)
https://home.comcast.net/~jfmelnick/fruitcakelady.wmv

Ask the Fruit Cake Lady....:)
https://home.comcast.net/~jfmelnick/fruitcakelady.wmv

LOL LOL LOL LOL

ornery old cuss isn't she

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is
sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread

Joe and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his Head.

Joe whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, " By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is Dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... And then a gun shot is heard. Joe comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?" :hmm:

Love it. :bigok:

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer :)

Okay... I have not read through this entire thread, but I did do a search of keywords. I thought this joke was funny enough to share and I hope it's not a repeat for anyone out there!

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef! and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/1078/mouse9bi.jpg

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/214/tools3kz.jpg

Newlyweds
-------------------------

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a
little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here
- you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
you never will."

And they lived happily ever after.....:)

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the fa ther-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor,
"Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another
one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a
hurry
to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried
the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor . . .
.
.

.

.

.

.

.


"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

My mom sent this email to me, and i thought it was worth posting, although i did edit it to be PG:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake unit at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your unit and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire unit size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake unit at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

So Cool :cool: so true :) :claps: :claps:

you are the first person i thought of when i got that email, precocious-- i couldn't wait for you to read it LOL

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are ! like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Of course, present company excluded :rolleyes:

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
It's cheaper than toilet paper. :eek:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in
for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight. Being a little concerned, he
asked if the child was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder
this baby is under weight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm
really glad I came."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent." :eek:

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay." :cocktail: ;)

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it
and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as "your excellency".

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.

24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.

28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.

29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.

30. Watch the professor through binoculars.

31. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent.

34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,
volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's
reply and proceed to do so anyway.

36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"

38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet
#" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before
taking your seat.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

42. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.

43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.

47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask "Did he have any children?"

48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can't see Macedonia.

Those are great Preco...I should try some of em...lol
I don't know any clean jokes ;)

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

aren't these 4 normal everyday behavior? They were for me.

The thing is, what do you do after you do these things. Like number 37, what then? Youve got an arguement on your hands now.

I just noticed the Level designations.. That makes Clubby a 'square'. (Lots of you are prolly too young to know this.. L7 used to be a slang term for a 'quare', an uncool, unhip person/ When you hold up your hands and make the right hand be the 'L' make the L with the right hand but turn it upsidedown and ti makes a 7. Put them together and youve got a square in the air.)

My speil is done.

The thing is, what do you do after you do these things. Like number 37, what then? Youve got an arguement on your hands now.

I just noticed the Level designations.. That makes Clubby a 'square'. (Lots of you are prolly too young to know this.. L7 used to be a slang term for a 'quare', an uncool, unhip person/ When you hold up your hands and make the right hand be the 'L' make the L with the right hand but turn it upsidedown and ti makes a 7. Put them together and youve got a square in the air.)

My speil is done.
:eek::eek::eek:
good thing i'm old enough to remember huey lewis telling everyone it's hip to be square
that's my half full lemonade glass again, precocious ;)